Grief
by NCISBONESgirl
Summary: Grief is the only thing that has ever defeated the great Katherine Beckett. This time around, can Castle help save her from herself? MAJOR SPOILERS FOR 3X24. Caskett. Rating now bumped up to T for serious situations. AU, I guess. Now complete!
1. Prologue

**If you read my fic's, you know I usually only work on one big one at a time. But I simply couldn't resist this one. This first chapter is just a prologue, setting up the story.**

**This is set three weeks after the season finale. As you can assume, _this story contains major spoilers for 3X25. _**

**Synopsis: The only thing that has ever been able to defeat the great Katherine Beckett is grief. Can Castle help save her? **

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Castle. **_

**_Without further ado, enjoy. (: _**

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><p>Detective Katherine Beckett's eyes fluttered open to a hospital room. She blinked a few times and looked around.<p>

_What happened?_ She thought.

Previous events came flooding back to her at once.

Montgomery was dead.

He was involved in her mother's case.

He died protecting her.

Someone shot her.

And Castle had told her he loved her as the lights went out.

She took a steadying breath in a vain attempt to stop the room from spinning. Gingerly she put her head in her hands, then winced and sat back up, discovering that bullet wounds did not like to bend.

At that moment, a blonde girl in red scrubs walked in, looking at her pager. "Oh, hello." She said, looking up. "You're awake."

Beckett nodded, still a bit disoriented but coming to terms quickly.

"I'm Dr. Romanzi." She said, shaking Beckett's hand and giving her a warm smile. She picked up her chart and examined it briefly before closing it and looking at Beckett. "Alright. Do you mind if we have a little chat here, Detective?"

Beckett shook her head "no".

"Great." Dr. Romanzi said, pulling a chair up from the side of the room to be next to her bed. "Do you remember anything that happened?"

Beckett nodded again. "Everything." She whispered, her voice hoarse and her throat dry from lack of use.

"Okay, good." Romanzi said, writing something down. "Any pain?"

Beckett gave a short laugh. "Other than the pounding in my head and the growing pain in my chest from my bullet wound I'm golden."

Romanzi smiled at her. "I see your sense of sarcasm is intact…"

"Firmly."

Romanzi stood up. "Follow my finger with your eyes." She instructed.

Beckett did so.

Romanzi wrote something else down, and then shone a light in each of her eyes.

"I feel like I'm being tested for a DUI." Beckett remarked.

She laughed. "Not quite. Let's go with stability of health, hmm?"

Beckett smiled. "Sounds good."

Romanzi sighed and took a seat again. "Detective, there's something that I need to tell you."

Beckett looked at her attentively.

Romanzi took a deep breath. "After you were shot, you lost consciousness. You stayed in that condition until we got you stable, at which time you slipped into a coma from a brain injury obtained when you fell from the podium."

Beckett nodded again, processing the information. "How long have I been out?"

"3 weeks." She told her.

Beckett let out a long breath. "Wow." She said, raising her eyebrows slightly. "Impressive."

Romanzi arched an eyebrow of her own. "You don't seem to surprised."

"Honestly, nothing can surprise me right now." Beckett said sadly.

Romanzi stood up and laid a hand on Beckett's shoulder. "Look, I would give you time to rest so that you can wrap your head around everything, but I think your visitor will be here soon. Although, we could always pretend you're sleeping…"

"My visitor?" Beckett echoed, looking at the doctor quizzically.

"Mmhm." Romanzi said. "Real sweet man. Comes in here everyday and talks to you from the minute visiting hours open to the minute they end."

Beckett's mind drudged up quite a few possibilities, but only one made sense. "Does he have a name?"

"Would you believe that it's Richard Castle? You know, the author? I don't read his books myself, but I still couldn't believe it when he first walked in. Real nice guy."

"Yeah." Beckett agreed. "Real nice." She said, her mind trying to grasp the concept. Castle had told her he loved her, and then had come to see her 21 days in a row while she was in a coma?

Romanzi looked at the doorway. "Speak of the devil. Right on time as always."

Castle beamed at her. "You talking to her now too?" He asked, walking further into the room.

"Yeah, but now she talks back." Romanzi said.

Castle took in Beckett for the first time. "Oh." Was all he could say, his grin growing impossibly wider.

"Hey, Castle." Beckett greeted with a small smile.

"Hey yourself." He said excitedly, sitting down in what was previously the doctor's chair.

"I'll leave you two alone to catch up." Romanzi said, beginning to walk away.

"Thanks for everything, Karen!" Castle called as she walked away.

"Karen?" Beckett asked.

"We've gotten to know each other." Castle supplied.

"Chatting up women over my unconscious body? That's cold, Castle." Beckett quipped.

"Never, my dear detective." Castle replied, looking serious.

Beckett looked at him for a moment. "A little birdie told me that you've been in here everyday."

"That birdie's a reliable witness." Castle said, smiling again.

"Why?"

"Same reason I do everything else." Castle said with a shrug.

Beckett took a deep breath, lapsing into silence again.

Castle waited comfortably, not wanting to push her past her limits. 10 minutes later, he spoke. "Do you want a glass of water or something?"

Beckett looked almost startled, snapping out of a trance. "Um, yeah. That'd be great. But I can get one of the nurses…"

Castle was already standing. "Be right back." He said, walking out.

Beckett sighed. He loved her. And now that she knew that, she could finally see it. The thing was, she had no idea what to do about it.

He returned with a glass of water and handed it to her, giving her a smile that made her stomach do a little flip in spite of herself. "Here you go."

"Thanks, Castle." She said quietly, taking a sip. She set it back on the tray and settled back into her pillows, put at ease by his presence. "So, what do you usually talk to me about while you're here?"

"Everything." He replied. "Alexis, the books, everything that's happened, my day, us. cases that I've read about…that kind of thing."

"Us?"

"You caught that." Castle sighed. "Of course. Should have figured you would."

"You could have not said it." Beckett pointed out.

"That's lying by omission, Kate." Castle said. "Another thing that I would never do."

Beckett opened her mouth then closed it again, unsure of what to say. The world she woke up in didn't feel the same as the one she got shot in. "Thanks, Castle."

Castle tilted his head. "For what?"

Beckett shook her head. "For everything."

"Anytime." He said. "Oh!" Realization crossed his face. "I need to call and tell the others."

"Others?" She asked apprehensively.

"You're quite the popular patient," he said brightly. "Esposito, Ryan, Lanie…even Alexis and my mother." He held up a finger, signaling that he needed a minute and stepped out, pulling out his phone.

A nurse came in and injected some unknown substance into her IV and exited once more, and by the time Castle got back, her eyelids were drooping then snapping back up in an attempt to stay awake.

Castle had to smile. "Tired?" He asked.

Beckett blinked open her eyes again. "No."

"You know, it's okay to go to sleep." He said gently, walking over to her and standing next to her bed.

Beckett's eyes closed again. "We need to talk, Castle." She said quietly.

"Shh." He said, placing a hand on top of her head and running his thumb over her forehead. "There'll be plenty of time for that. Right now, you need to sleep."

"I just woke up from a three week nap." Beckett mumbled, eyes remaining shut.

Castle chuckled. "It's the morphine. It tends to do that."

Beckett nodded, faintly aware of his touch. "Yeah." She said, because at the moment, that made perfect sense.

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><p><strong>Don't worry folks, it gets more exciting. <strong>

**Stay tuned! **

**And, as always, review(: **


	2. Protection

**I'm loving the feedback I'm getting on this story! You guys are the best.**

**I listened to "Look After You" by The Fray while writing this, so if you're looking for some mood music for this story, that's what you're going to want. **

**_I'm Widget_ pointed out that in the description I put in the last chapter (and the actual one before I fixed it) I said that it has spoilers for 3X25, when I meant 3X24. Knockout. Thanks for pointing that out to me! **

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Castle. Still. **_

**_I may or may not have chapter three up tonight. Either way, enjoy. (: _**

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><p>The next day, Beckett awoke to a nurse tapping her shoulder. "Detective Beckett?"<p>

Beckett sat up. "Yeah?" She said groggily.

The nurse smiled kindly at her. "Good morning."

"Morning?" Beckett repeated. "What happened to yesterday?"

"You slept through it." The nurse informed her. "You must have needed it."

"Did Castle leave?" She queried.

"Who?" The nurse asked, furrowing her eyebrows.

"Castle. The man who was in here with me yesterday."

"Oh." The nurse said, recognition spreading over her features. "Yeah. He stayed until visiting hours were over though. Again."

For some reason, this made Beckett smile.

"How're you feeling today, Detective?" Romanzi asked, walking into the room as well. She whispered something briefly to the nurse, and she departed.

"Like I just woke up." Beckett replied.

Romanzi laughed. "Well, that's better than in pain."

Beckett nodded.

Romanzi picked up her chart and flipped through it for a moment. "How would you feel about going home today?"

Beckett's eyes widened. "Home?"

"You heard right." Romanzi said. "You're doing better than expected, and we want to get you back to your normal life as soon as we can."

Beckett snorted.

"Point taken." Romanzi said, setting her chart back down on the edge of her bed. "You'd have to have someone to look after you for a while while you're recovering of course, but other than that if you want to go home, you can."

"I don't have anyone like that." Beckett admitted. Maybe it was the painkillers that were making her so truthful as opposed to keeping it to herself, but nonetheless it was said.

Romanzi looked at her, an amused smile on her face. "I wouldn't be so sure of that."

Beckett thought for a moment. "Can I make a call?"

Romanzi nodded and handed her the hospital phone next to her bed, then left the room to give her privacy.

Beckett hesitated, and then let her fingers punch in a familiar number.

The person answered on the 2nd ring, giving her the impression that the person jumped to answer the call.

This earned another smile.

"Detective Beckett, to what do I owe the pleasure? Hospital got to boring for you?" The voice said.

"Hey, Castle, can I…can I ask you a favor?" Beckett asked, her voice sounding pained.

"Yeah, sure, anything." He said.

"They're discharging me today, but they won't let me go unless I call someone…and I was wondering if maybe you could show up, sign a couple papers, take me home, maybe act like you're going to baby-sit me? You know I hate to ask but-"

"Say no more." He cut her off. "I'll be there in 10."

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><p>When Castle walked through the hospital doors on the way to Beckett's room, Romanzi was waiting for him.<p>

He stopped when he saw her, giving her a curious look. "Waiting for someone?"

"You." She answered. "I had a funny feeling she'd call you."

Castle beamed. "And why is that?"

Romanzi gave him a look. "You're really going to make me say it?"

"It's always nice to hear." Castle said, beginning to walk in the direction he was headed before.

Romanzi followed him. "You're proving it right now. You can't even stop to have a conversation with her doctor because you're that eager to see her."

Castle chuckled. "What's your point?"

"My _point_ is that I have to ask you a few questions before I can release her with you, but I really don't want to have to ask them to one of New York's finest." She explained.

"Oh, boy." Castle said, slowing to a stop on the side of the hall, a safe distance from Beckett's room. "Such as?"

"Such as, first of all, what are you to her?"

Castle frowned. "I…I'm her partner. I write books about her. We're friends, I think."

Romanzi raised her eyebrows.

"Look, we're close, alright?" He said, chuckling. "We're kind of in Limbo right now."

"Uh-huh." She said, writing something down. "So, you're not blood then?"

Castle shook his head. "What? No. Why?"

"We can technically only release her with a family member." She told him.

"Well, that you don't need to worry about." Castle said in all seriousness. "As far as I'm concerned, we are a family. Just not in a typical way."

Romanzi sighed and rubbed her temple. "Does she have any family at all?"

Castle nodded. "Her dad. But…" He sighed as well. "Please don't call him. She's going through a lot right now family wise, and I'm honestly the best person to release her with. I'm the one she called."

"She have a mom?" Romanzi pressed.

Castle hesitated. "No. And that's part of the family trouble."

Romanzi opened her mouth to speak, but Castle cut her off.

"Beckett's not like most people." He told her. "She's stubborn, and difficult to deal with, and doesn't listen to anybody if she doesn't want to. She called _me_. You should be thankful for that much."

Romanzi surveyed him, and then flipped the file she was holding shut. "Alright, fine. I'll OK it," she conceded. "But you have to make sure she's doing everything she's supposed to, alright?"

Castle gave a relieved smile. "Yes, okay, thank you so much."

Romanzi shook her head and walked into Beckett's room with Castle hot on her heals.

"Castle." Beckett said, looking relieved.

"Were you expecting someone else?" Castle asked, chuckling.

"I…I almost thought you wouldn't agree." Beckett said, looking down at her hands.

"Of course I agreed." Castle said as if it were the simplest thing in the world. "You ready to go?" He asked.

Beckett nodded, having already changed into her street clothes. She swung her legs off the edge of the hospital bed and tried to stand, then started to crumple.

Castle ran forward and grabbed her before she hit the floor; draping one of her arms across his shoulders he helped her stand. "I got you." He said, smiling at her.

"Thanks…" Beckett said, clearly embarrassed. "It must be the painkillers, I…" she trailed off.

Romanzi nodded. "It's temporary, and it should wear off soon. I'll get you a wheelchair." She said, walking out of the room despite Beckett's protests.

Beckett glared at the chair as it was wheeled into the room, and she looked at Castle pleadingly, seeming to say _Please, Castle, don't take away that bit of dignity from me. Let me walk out of here._

Castle gave her a small sad smile, and blinked a few times. _Sorry, but this is just how it has to be. _He eased her into the chair, and reassuringly put his hands on her shoulders as she signed the necessary paperwork.

When all was said and done, he wheeled her out to the cab waiting outside and helped her in.

"Where to?" The cabbie asked, turning around.

Castle rattled off his address, and Beckett looked at him, appalled.

"You said you'd take me back to my house." She reminded him.

Castle shrugged. "Changed my mind."

"You can't do that!" Beckett said fiercely.

"Oh, come on, Kate!" Castle said, matching her attitude. "There's someone out there looking for you. They _shot _you! What makes you think that they're not going to show up at your apartment and finish the job?"

"I can take care of myself, Castle!" Beckett snapped.

"No." Castle said. "No, I don't think you can. Not while you're on painkillers at least! You're coming home with _me_, end of discussion."

Beckett sat back, stunned at how angry Castle looked. She realized that this wasn't a battle she was going to win. "I'm going to need to go get my clothes."

"We'll send a beat cop over later."

"Castle!"

"No, Kate!" Castle said adamantly. "I'm not bending on this one! You're going to get yourself killed!"

Beckett threw a hand up. "And we're back to that already."

"Yes, we're back to that!" Castle said, looking furious now. "You can't throw your life away just because you're grieving! I'm not letting you do that!"

Beckett looked at him for a while before responding. "Is that what you think I'm doing?" She asked gravely.

"I think that's what's going to wind up happening if I don't put my foot down." Castle said, softer now. "I can't lose you, Kate." He added. "I just can't."

Beckett bit her lip and settled back into her seat, looking out the window.

Castle sighed through his nose and watched her. He just wanted to protect her, but he knew that she would never understand that.

The cabbie turned to them when they were at a stoplight. "I gotta have the ladies' permission if I'm gonna go where you told me too. Or else I might get charged with kidnap."

Beckett looked at the cabbie and then at Castle and back again. "Yeah, it's fine."

Castle smiled and gently grabbed her hand. "Thank you."

"You're lucky I'm too tired to fight." She said with a smirk. "Plus, this way we have more cops on the street catching this guy instead of running protection on both of us."

"Sure." Castle said simply, his easy and happy demeanor returning now.

"I'm assuming their already running a detail on your place?"

Castle nodded.

"Good." Beckett said, visibly relaxing. "I don't have to worry about you all the time."

"You know, it's funny. I was just thinking the same thing about you."

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><p><strong>Hold on, folks. It gets angsty from here on out. <strong>

**Thoughts? Opinions? Questions? Comments? Concerns? Favorite Part?**

**Put it in a review and let me hear it!**


	3. Nightmares

**Chapter three. My mind won't let me stop writing (dance little writer, dance!). Anywho, hope you enjoy. **

**Thanks to _Jayce Gish_ for reminding me of what I wanted to do with the next chapter. My mind had already gone off in a whole other direction, and your review reminded me of what I originally had planned. Thanks! **

_**Disclaimer: No Castle rights for me...**_

**Enjoy the angst, my friends(: **

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><p>Night One:<p>

"No."

He had known it was coming. He knew this was a part that wasn't going to go over very well. He had thought and thought about how to break it to her, and yet…"You don't really have a choice."

"I'll sleep on the couch."

"That's my job."

Beckett sighed. "I can't let you do that."

"I can't let you do that either!" Castle said, trying to make her understand. "If the guest bedroom wasn't under renovation I would give it to you, but as it stands…"

Beckett considered this, and then mumbled something under her breath.

"Huh?" Castle said, unable to make out what she had said.

Beckett sighed shortly. "I said we're both adults."

Castle's eyebrows rose into his hairline. "Are you suggesting…?"

"We can sleep in the same bed without anything happening." Beckett clarified.

Nearby, Alexis watched over the top of her book, more interested in the two adults than her English homework.

"True." Castle said. "But you don't seem like it's your first choice."

"My first choice was to go back to my apartment." Beckett reminded him.

"Or we could make Alexis sleep on the couch." Castle suggested.

"Hey!" The redheaded teen protested from the couch.

Castle looked at her. "Caught you, dirty little snooper."

Alexis smiled sheepishly at him, and returned to her book.

Beckett smiled at the pair. There had always been something about being with the Castle's that made her just…happy.

"Anyway." Castle said, yanking her from her own mind. "If you want, seriously, I can take the couch."

Beckett shook her head. "I'll be fine. Let me take the couch."

Alexis chose that moment to get up from the couch shaking her head, and tell her dad that she couldn't focus because she could only take so much dodging of one topic.

Castle chuckled, then turned back to Beckett. "Well…"

"Well, what?" Beckett asked.

"I guess we'll have to share." He concluded.

Beckett nodded. "It's the only way to please both of us."

Castle nodded as well. "Okay." He said. "Well, alright then." He walked over to his counter and grabbed his keys. "I have to meet Gina for dinner to work something out for _Heat Rises._ Will you be okay here?"

"I'll be fine, Castle." Beckett said, doing be best to sound annoyed, but was betrayed by the smile playing on her mouth.

Castle walked over to the stairs and called "Alexis! I'm leaving!".

The bright girl flew down the stairs to hug her dad and say her goodbyes, and then retreated back up the stairs.

Castle then turned awkwardly to Beckett. He wanted to do _something_…hug her or maybe even kiss her, something to let her know that he cared. But he didn't know where their boundaries were now, so instead, he settled for a verbal goodbye. "I'll see you in a few hours then?"

"Yeah." Beckett said, nodding. She really wished she could have done something else. Thanked him for always being there. But she didn't. "I might go to bed early tonight. So, don't be surprised."

Castle nodded. "You should. You need your rest."

Beckett nodded awkwardly again.

"I'll um, I'll be going then. See you." He said, walking towards the door.

Beckett gave a wave, and watched him disappear.

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><p>By the time Castle got home, it was 10 PM. He sighed tiredly and unlocked the door. He was always tired after a meeting with Gina.<p>

He locked the door behind him and crept through the quiet house, processing that everyone was asleep. He changed into more comfortable clothes, grabbed his laptop, and went into his room to write, well aware of the fact that he could have done just that in his study, but wanted to be by Beckett.

He seated himself in a recliner in one corner of his bedroom, and couldn't help but notice how peaceful she looked asleep. He thought about his luck on choosing the perfect muse, and began to write.

He was two pages into an amusing drabble when he heard a mumbled but fervent "No!" from across the room. Concerned, he looked up and saw that Beckett's previously peaceful face now held an expression of pain on it.

"No!" She said again, louder this time. "No, no, no, no!" She got louder with each one. "Don't kill him. Please, please don't kill him." She sobbed. "Please, please he's all I have. Please, no! No!"

Castle was halfway up when the screaming started. He froze.

"Castle!" She sobbed out, after her last shriek. "Castle, please don't leave me. You can't do this to me. No! Castle! Please!"

Castle sprinted the remaining distance between them, and sat her up, wrapping his arms tightly around her. "Hey, hey, hey." He soothed. "Shhh. It's okay, I'm here. It was just a bad dream. You're okay."

Beckett wrapped her arms tightly around her neck, still sobbing uncontrollably. She put a hand in his hair, and breathed in his scent, trying to calm herself.

Castle rubbed her back and murmured in her ear. "You're okay, see? You're at my house. Everyone's okay."

"Th-they killed y-you, Castle." She stammered out in a whisper.

"No they didn't." He said, pulling back so that they could see each other's faces. "I'm here and you're here." He said, giving her a smile, even though his eyes showed his panic.

Beckett lifted up a hand and put it on his cheek, looking at him, as if to make sure that he really was all there. "…Okay." She said finally.

Castle hugged her tightly again, minding her wound, then started to let go, assuming she would want her space.

To his surprise, Beckett hung on. "Castle?"

"Yeah?"

"Can you stay with me right now?" She asked, tears still sliding down her face.

"Of course." He said, and he laid down with her, settling into the pillows he pulled the blanket up over them, and let her curl into him. He wrapped his arms back around her, and rubbed her back.

Beckett finally fell asleep again (as did Castle) and was silent the rest of the night.

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><p><strong>Review, review, review! <strong>

**New chapter up (hopefully) tomorrow or Tuesday. **

**Thanks for all the love!**


	4. It's the End of the World

**I know I should be working on my main story, but this one has captured my attention. **

_**Disclaimer: I definitely don't own Castle. Or ABC. Or the writers. Or the stage. Or...**_

**Enjoy(:**

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><p>Day Two:<p>

When Castle awoke, Beckett was gone.

He walked out into the kitchen to find Beckett sitting on a bar stool, staring at her hands.

He frowned as the previous night's events came back to him. "Hey." He said gently, starting to make coffee.

She gave him a small smile, but said nothing.

"You okay? He asked.

She nodded. "Yeah, I'm okay."

Castle watched her carefully, taking in her disheveled appearance. "Okay." He said, pouring a cup of coffee and handing it to her.

Beckett smiled gratefully and took a sip of the scalding liquid, savoring the way it burned her mouth. She took a deep breath, shaking a bit. "I'm sorry." She blurted out.

Castle turned away from the stove where he was beginning to make breakfast. "What?"

Beckett closed her eyes. "I said, I'm sorry." She bit her lip and turned her gaze down to her coffee cup again.

"For what?" Castle asked, clearly confused.

"For last night." She clarified. "I'm sorry you had to deal with that."

Castle shook his head. "You're not something I have to _deal_ with, you're someone I care about who just needed a little help." He corrected. "Besides, there's not much you can do about your subconscious."

"Yeah." Beckett mumbled. "That's what I'm afraid of."

Castle opened his mouth to say something but was cut short by Alexis, who padded into the kitchen. "Morning, Dad! Morning, Detective Beckett!" she greeted brightly, getting herself a cup of coffee.

"Morning, Pumpkin." Castle said, his eyes not wavering from Beckett, who elected to give Alexis a half smile instead of a verbal response.

Alexis set the coffee pot back in its place and paused, looking around the kitchen. "Did I miss something?"

"No." Beckett said at the same time Castle replied with "Yes."

"Right." Alexis said, nodding. "I should go." She began to walk away.

Her father put an arm out to stop her. "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Breakfast is almost done."

She raised her eyebrows. "Is it worth not getting to finish your discussion?"

"We weren't…I mean it's not like…" Castle looked to Beckett for help.

"I'm not hungry anyway." She said, standing up. "I need to make a phone call."

When Beckett was safely out of the room, Alexis took a seat. "Not doing so good then?"

"You could say that." He said, grabbing a pill bottle out from it's hiding place in a cabinet and shaking two tablets into his hand.

"Are you sick?" Alexis asked, eyebrows furrowed.

"They aren't for me." He told her, setting the pills on a napkin and setting it by Beckett's coffee.

Alexis arched an eyebrow now. "You really think that's going to work?"

Castle looked confused. "Why wouldn't it?" He turned back to the stove and started to make a plate for Alexis.

"Oh, come on, Dad." She said, leaning on the counter with her elbows, peering at Castle with wise eyes. "Detective Beckett's strong, strong people don't take pills."

Castle gave her a curious look, and handed her a plate.

"At least that's what she thinks." She corrected quickly, taking her plate. "And thanks." She smiled.

"Not a problem." He began to make a plate for himself. "So…" he said, taking the seat next to Alexis. "If this won't work, what will?"

"Begging." Alexis said simply, taking a bite.

"I was afraid you'd say that.

Outside in the hall, Beckett took a minute to breathe. She felt so looked after, which to some would have been a good thing, but to Beckett it made her feel claustrophobic. Even now, when she was trying to be alone, there was a beat cop at the end of the hall, making sure she wasn't killed.

She sighed and pulled out her phone. She hated having to ask people for help, it made her feel so small, and helpless. As if she was wearing a brightly painted sign saying "Hey, World! You won! I give up!", Nonetheless, she hit her speed dial number three and waited for an answer.

"Dr. Lanie Parish, ME." A female voice said.

"Hey, Lanie, it's Kate." Beckett said.

"Katherine Beckett!" Lanie squealed. "How are you? Are you okay? How're you feeling? Okay? Who are you staying with? You're not at home are you? If you're at home…"

"Lanie!" Beckett said, laughing. "I'm fine, alright? I'm with Castle."

"Oh, really?" Lanie said, clearly interested. "Is Writer Boy taking good care of you then?"

"…He's trying."

"You don't sound to sure."

"I just…" Beckett hesitated. "I just want to be at home. Alone. So that maybe I can figure some of this out."

"Some of what out?" Lanie asked.

"It's a long story…" Beckett said, biting her lip and glancing down the hall.

"Honey, I don't have anyone right now, so you better catch me up while I have time."

"Well…"

"C'mon. Please?" Lanie begged.

"Castle told me he loved me." She spilled.

"Wait, what?" Lanie asked.

"When I got shot. He was asking me to stay with him, and then he just…he just said it. He told me he loved me." Beckett rushed out, almost unable to believe it herself

"Woooo!" Lanie said. "Girl, I knew he'd say it eventually. Didn't know he'd wait until he thought you were dying, mind you, but I knew he'd say it!"

Beckett smiled to herself, and waited until Lanie's rambling had died down. "Hey, can I ask you a favor?"

"Yeah." Lanie said, trying to catch her breath. "Shoot."

"Do you think you could…I mean I was just wondering if you would…maybe…"

"Kate, honey, spit it out." Lanie said, well aware of her best friend's discomfort.

"I was just wondering if you could go by my apartment and pick me up some clothes? Castle won't let me, and a beat cop rifling through my drawers is the last thing I want and I just…maybe you could take Esposito just to be safe?" Her plea sounded lame even to her own ears.

"Why Esposito?" Lanie asked innocently.

"Lanie…" Beckett trailed off.

"I know, I know. Sometimes it's nice to pretend that nobody knows, and that we're good at this sneaking business, alright?"

Beckett laughed. "Whatever you say."

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><p><strong>Second half of Day 2 coming soon. <strong>

**Reviews? They take away the stress of finals. Help a girl out. (; **


	5. As We Know It

**Sorry if it's been a while since I posted! Here's another one. Would have been up a day sooner, but I just discovered Tumblr. **

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Castle. If I did, I would definitely have a part in the show. **_

**Oh, and if you guys are looking for mood music, I wrote this chapter listening to _How to Save a Life_ by The Fray on repeat (favorite song ever you guys. 300+ plays in my iTunes, just sayin). (:**

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><p>When Beckett reentered the kitchen, it was empty. She spotted the pills beside her mug and sighed. She scooped them into her palm and walked over to the trash, quickly tossing them in before anyone could see. She picked up her mug and took a sip, looking around the kitchen.<p>

Castle chose that moment to walk back in. He eyed her carefully. "You okay?"

"Yeah." She said, nodding. "I just called Lanie to see if she could come bring some of my clothes over."

Castle nodded too. "Probably a good idea." He glanced at the place where the pills used to be. "Did you find the meds I set out?"

"Yeah. Thanks." Beckett said.

Castle watched her for a moment. "Did you take them?" He asked.

"Yes." She lied.

"Good." He said. "You'll need them."

"Yeah." Beckett said yet again.

They lapsed into silence.

After a minute or two, Castle asked, "Are you hungry or anything? We still have food…"

"No thanks." Beckett said shortly.

Castle sighed. "Sit."

"What?"

"I said sit."

Beckett gave him a curious look, then took a seat in one of the bar chairs.

Castle sat down next to her. "What's wrong?"

Beckett laughed incredulously. "_What's wrong?_" She echoed.

Castle nodded.

"Everything's wrong, Castle. It's not just one thing." She said, louder than she had meant to.

"Why don't you tell me about it?" Castle suggested quietly.

"Everything about my mother's case is _gone._ All that progress we made is wiped clean because everyone is dead." She paused, tears welling up in her eyes. "Including Montgomery, I got shot, and then went into a coma, I can't go home, and I can't close my eyes without having nightmares!"

Castle simply looked at her, unable to say anything.

"And there's nothing anyone can do." She said quietly. She stared into her coffee cup for a long time before speaking again. "I can't breathe, Castle." She almost whispered.

"I'm sorry." He said quietly. "I really am."

"Why are you sorry?" She asked, furrowing her eyebrows. "It's not your fault..."

"Yes it is." Castle said. "If I hadn't have stuck my nose in something that I wasn't supposed to none of this would have happened. You told me to stay out, but I didn't. And I wound up ruining your life. And I'm really, really sorry."

"This isn't on you." She said. "I would have wound up here one way or the other anyway."

"Maybe, maybe not." Castle said. "I'm not so sure you wouldn't be better if I had never walked into the 12th in the first place."

"Castle!" She said sharply, the Beckett that was more familiar to him shining through. "Stop it, alright?"

He watched her, listening.

"My life wouldn't be better. My life would be worse. And the worst part would be that I wouldn't know how much it sucked. I forgive you for all that. You're worth it, Rick." She said softly.

He sat there, stunned until a knock at the door sounded and he got up to answer it.

Beckett stood, undetected and crept out of the room.

Castle swung the door wider to allow Lanie and Esposito to come in, Lanie holding a gym bag. "Where's Kate?" she asked after the normal pleasantries.

Castle frowned. "She was just here…"

Esposito's face mimicked Castle's. "How's she doing?" He asked.

"Not good." Castle said grimly. "She won't eat. She barely talks. She has nightmares. I think I got her to take her medication…"

Lanie looked concerned. "Can I go look for her?"

Castle nodded, and Lanie took off thorough the house, getting lucky and finding Beckett in the first room she tried. "So this is what Castle's room looks like…" She said.

Beckett stood at the front of the room, looking out the window. "Yeah." She said softly.

Lanie hesitated. "I brought your clothes." She tried.

Beckett turned around half way. "Oh, thanks, Lanie."

She nodded. "No problem…girl are you sure your alright?"

"I'm fine." Beckett said. "Just tired. Didn't get much sleep last night."

Lanie frowned more. "You know, if this is too awkward for you here, you can always stay at my place…" she offered.

"No." Beckett said. "No, thanks. I'll just stay here."

"Sure." Lanie said nodding. "That's fine." She paused. "I will say this though, that is one worried man out there."

"Yeah, I know." Beckett said.

"Is there a reason for that? Like maybe you're not as fine as you say you are?" Lanie probed.

Beckett forced out a smile that she hoped looked sincere. "I'm fine, Lanie." She said. "Thanks for bringing these over."

Lanie smiled cautiously. "It's no trouble, really." Her cell warbled in her pocket, and she took it out, looking annoyed. "Work. I gotta go. You sure you're alright?"

"I'm fine! You're as bad as Castle." She said, chuckling.

Lanie smiled fully now. Maybe her best friend wasn't as bad as Castle thought. He was a writer, after all. Wasn't it his job to exaggerate? She wrapped Beckett in a hug. "I'm really glad you're okay."

"Yeah, you and me both."

The pair walked outside to see Esposito telling Castle that he had a homicide to get to, and couldn't stay.

"Sounds like we're going to the same place." Lanie said with a smile. "You want to carpool?"

"We took the same car here." He pointed out.

"I'm ecofriendly." She said before turning to Castle and Beckett. "I'll see you all later."

They said their goodbyes, and as soon as Castle closed the door, Beckett slumped back down into a chair, head in her hands.

Castle felt immobilized, and could only watch as his Superwoman was defeated.

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><p><strong>I can't help it, I like it when things are angsty. I guess this one wasn't that bad though. But trust me, things are going to get worse before they get better. <strong>

**Review if you love Castle!**


	6. BandAid Covers the Bullet Hole

**Sorry if I'm a bit late with this...I really need to keep better track of my updates. Anyway...**

**So, for mood music, I wrote this while listening to _She Will Be Loved _by Maroon 5. **

**Just a note, you guys don't have to listen to the music. It's not a part of the story in anyway, it's just what I was listening to while I was writing, therefore I think it goes nicely. **

_**Disclaimer: I do not own, nor am I affiliated with Castle, ABC, Maroon 5, or anything else that anyone owns in relation with those two things. **_

**Enjoy!**

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><p>Night 2:<p>

Castle strolled into his bedroom in his pajamas to find Beckett sitting in his bed, knees pulled up to her chest, head resting on their tops. He paused, analyzing her. "You okay?" He asked softly.

"Hmm?" She looked up at him, his words bringing her back to earth. "What did you say?"

"I asked if you were okay." Castle repeated. "You looked…spaced."

"Oh, yeah. I'm fine." She said dismissively, waving a hand. She lay down and rolled over onto her side, facing the wall, and subsequently away from his concerned blue eyes. "Goodnight, Castle."

He frowned slightly, and then sighed through his nose. He wanted to say something. Anything to make her feel better, but he couldn't grasp the right words. For all the ones he had written, thousands spun through his mind at that moment: spinning and swirling and slipping right out of his grasp and off of his tongue. So instead, he elected to close his mouth, turn out the light, and slide into bed next to Beckett.

What he couldn't see was Beckett wincing. She lay on the same side as her bullet wound, the weight of her body pushing down on it. She shut her eyes as tightly as she could, trying to withstand it. At that point it wasn't a matter of trying to be tough as almost relishing the pain, welcoming it back as one would an old friend. When the pain reached her threshold, she, against her will, gave a tiny whimper.

Of course, Castle heard it. It was Castle. The better question was how he _wouldn't_ have heard it. "Kate?" He asked.

"Yes?" She asked through gritted teeth, struggling to keep her voice calm. Keep her in it just a little bit longer. At the very least, to keep Castle from knowing.

"What was that?" He pretended like he didn't know. Like he hadn't noticed that she had laid down directly on her wound. He knew what she was doing to herself. He knew her, even though she swore he didn't. He knew she lay there, forcing herself into the pain, just to get through it. Just to face it. And it made him sick.

"What was what?"

"That little noise."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Hah!"

"You must be hearing things."

They lapsed back into silence.

Beckett shifted slightly to get off of her wound, and then swallowed hard. The sane part of her brain told her that it wasn't healthy what she was doing to herself, all the self-inflicted mental and physical pain. But that wasn't the part that Beckett listened to. She took all instructions from the destroyed part of herself. The part that was ravaged by grief and change and hate and pain, twisting her further away from that which she was.

Castle's chest lightened a bit when she shifted. He would have said something eventually. Probably. Maybe. He just didn't want her to lie to him anymore. He didn't want to hear that she was fine, just fine, or that she was okay, or that she would get through it. He had heard enough of those in the past 48 hours to last him a lifetime. No, he didn't want to fake it anymore. He simply wanted her to let him comfort her. That was all.

She lay there, next to him, on her back, staring at the ceiling, lost in her own head as 5 minutes lapsed into 10 and 10 turned into 20…

Sleep would not come to provide any relief, as much as she begged it to. Her thoughts made her dizzy, and her vision swam. Even if sleep had come when it was beckoned, she wasn't entirely sure she would give into it's demands, for every time she shut her eyes, she saw her worst nightmares. While they plagued her in the day, they tormented her at night.

So she lay there, and let the minutes pass, not even praying for sunrise as she used to as a child when frightened. Now she simply lay there, uncertain of time or date or what was going on in the world. Only numbly aware of the fact that she had reached that terrifying point where she just didn't care. She sighed heavily, just to feel the breath leave her lungs.

"You still awake?" Castle's low voice came from next to her.

"Yeah." She half-whispered. "I'm awake."

"Yeah." Castle echoed. "Me too."

"What's your problem?" Beckett asked him, managing to sound slightly worried in spite of everything. She turned her head on the pillow to look at him.

Castle's face took on the ghost of a smile at the concern in her voice. "I was just about to ask you the same question." He copied her head movement, locking his eyes on hers.

Beckett looked away, her green eyes finding the pattern on the blanket and focusing on it. She never could hide from him. Through everything she had been through, that much was still true. He was still there. Always. Just like he said. "It all just felt so wrong." She found herself explaining before she knew what she was doing.

"What did?" He pried gently. The last thing he wanted to do was make her clam up by being overly exuberant. A few interrogation sessions had taught him that.

"Today." Beckett supplied. "Acting like everything was…" She shook her head incredulously. "was okay. Like everything was going fine. Nothing major. Just another day."

"You don't have to pretend anymore, Kate." Castle told her in a whisper. "You've never had to pretend with me."

Beckett lifted her eyes back to his face. She noticed that his face held no expectations, no exceptions to his statement. Just sincerity. And maybe, if she would admit it, love. She felt the corners of her mouth turn up slightly. "Thanks, Rick." She reached and took his hand.

He maintained his understated smile and let his large hand engulf her tiny one. He ran his thumb over the back of her hand. "Always." He reminded her.

Beckett shifted onto her side and watched him for a moment. Looked at him. Took him in in long, refreshing gulps because when she looked at him, she was able to feel something. Something that wasn't nothing, and wasn't pain. She repositioned her hand so that it was holding his, and lifted it until his whole arm was behind his head.

Castle's quiet smile grew into an amused one. "What are you doing?" He asked her, chuckling.

She shook her head, and moved closer to him on the bed until her body was running along his. She rested her head on his chest, and breathed him in, closing her eyes. For the moment, her pain was gone. For the moment, she felt almost whole. Just there, with him.

He watched her for a moment, unsure of quite what to do. Once more, he had to choose his moves carefully, like a chess match. He didn't want her to hate him, but…he hesitated, and then slowly put his arm around her.

Beckett looked up at him. "Hey, can I ask you something?"

"Anything." Castle promised.

"Can I…" She shook her head, almost unable to believe the words leaving her mouth. "Can I kiss you?"

Castle's smile fell, and his expression clouded. "No." His tone was soft, but stern.

Hurt flashed in Beckett's eyes. "W-what?"

"Kate, before you freak out listen to me." Castle carried the same tone. "Kissing me isn't what you want to do."

"How would you know what I want?" Beckett asked sharply, beginning to sit up.

Castle grabbed her hand before she could go any further. "Because what you're feeling isn't affection. It's gratitude. Besides, kissing me would only complicate things, and that's the last thing you need right now. What you need is someone who's there for you. Not a romantic relationship. Then you'd be worrying about everything that comes with that in addition to what you already are."

Beckett's face had softened as she listened to him. She returned her gaze back to the blanket pattern.

"Besides…" He continued, sitting up so that they were both now sitting crisscross on the bed, taking her other hand.

She looked up, looking back into his eyes.

"…I promise you, Katherine Beckett. When we kiss, it will be spectacular." Castle said earnestly.

Beckett gaped at him, speechless. When she regained her ability to speak she got out "Rick, we need to talk…" in a voice that didn't sound like her own at all.

"About what?" He asked, furrowing his eyebrows.

"About what you said. When I was shot. I heard you. You can't keep pretending like I didn't I-"

Castle put a finger to her lips to quiet her. "We can't talk about it right now, for the same reason we can't kiss. I refuse to muddle things while you're still healing. No."

She nodded gently, her whole body almost swaying with her. She blinked, sleep finally sweeping through her weary mind, and lay down once more.

Castle sighed. He knew he had made the right choice. He knew that he was protecting her. He only wished that her question had come under different circumstances. Reluctantly, he lay back down as well.

A few minutes passed before Beckett's voice reached him again.

"Lift up your arm again."

Smiling a bit, but not opening his eyes, he did as he was told.

She curled into him once more, breathing a little easier already.

"Hey, can I tell you something?" he asked.

"Anything."

"I will _always_ be here for you." He vowed.

Beckett allowed herself to smile. "I know." She yawned. "Back at'cha."

Castle chuckled, at her nonchalance. He kissed the top of her head.

Sleep then overtook the pair.

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><p><strong>So, I got compared to Castle while writing this chapter...just weird enough to share...<strong>

**Review for odd comparisons? Or at least because it makes me smile? (:**


	7. Please, Please, Don't Leave Me

**My readers: I am so so incredibly sorry it's taken me this long to get this posted! I'm also sorry to say that this is the last chapter I'll get posted before I leave for two weeks. Thank you so much for your patience, and all the love you've given me on this story!**

**I listened to "Therapy" by All Time Low while writing this. Not sure if I've already done that for one of these. It's a good song for the story, haha. Once again, not required that you listen to the song at all, the story can stand alone. **

**Also, in the next chapter I'll be incorporating a few things that the lovely Castle panel let slip at Comic Con! Stay tuned! **

**_Disclaimer: I do not own Castle, or anything affiliated with it. Nor Comic Con. _**

_**Enjoy!**_

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><p>Day 3: Katherine Beckett was only half there. She did not eat or drink. She took no pills (although Castle was not aware of this last one). She would only move every so often. The majority of the time however, it was as if she was a ghost. They could all see her, and she them. They could speak of her, and she would hear them, but she almost could not respond.<p>

So, halfway through the day, Castle decided he would sit next to her on the couch, and behave in this manner as well.

Night 3: Beckett lay in Castle's bed once more, staring at the ceiling.

Tonight, she was tired. Tonight, she almost relished the though of sleep. She wished for it, prayed for it. If only to let the nightmares break the endlessness.

But none came.

She looked over to Castle's side of the bed, which was empty and still relatively made up. She knew that his not being here was the problem. That him not being next to her, without the warmth of his body to ward off the constant cold of her own nowadays, without his arms around her was why she couldn't sleep.

She wasn't sure how she had gotten to this point so quickly. How she had become attached so fast, so easily. Maybe she had just needed somebody, so she held onto the one person who had been there when the light went out, and just seconds after she came to. The person who was possibly, probably, the person that she trusted the very most.

It wasn't like her to be dependent on another person. She had always prided herself on not needing anything from anyone, being totally independent. Even in relationships she kept one foot out the door, ready to bolt.

But now…

She had nowhere to run. She was on forced medical leave from a job she wasn't sure she would be returning to, banned from her apartment because a psycho was after her, under house arrest, and her wound still ached and throbbed.

Beckett's cell warbled from her bag across the room, pulling her from her thoughts. She hesitated, and then got up and dug it out. She cleared her throat and tried to sound strong as she answered, "Beckett."

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><p>Castle stared at his computer screen, silently wishing harm on the flashing cursor that taunted him by clearly marking where he had stopped writing mid-sentence.<p>

He had been sitting there in his chair, typing and then immediately erasing, for a little over two hours, trying to finish just this chapter, then just this section, then just this paragraph, and now, just this one measly sentence.

But he couldn't. Even with Gina breathing down his neck, and the very real possibility that his next book would be late being published he just couldn't do it. Every time he began to write, he would think about Montgomery and his family, or about how many had already died, or about Beckett being shot, and every time, without fail, any of those thoughts would ultimately lead him back to how this was all his fault.

If he had just kept his damn nose out of her mother's case. She told him not to touch it. Why didn't he listen? He had only wanted to help, but now he had hurt far more than he had ever helped. It was true that they were closer to catching Johanna Beckett's killer than ever, but dear God, at what cost?

He sighed heavily and shut his laptop, frowning. _Kate would be better off if she had never met you. _He thought. _They all would. _

He should have just stuck to writing. Should have let Derrick Storm be his legacy, and never penned a Nikki Heat novel. Should have never insisted on following around a detective who didn't want him around. Because if he had done any of those things, well...

They wouldn't be here.

He closed his eyes as a horrible mix of guilt and grief washed over him. He put his head in his hands, and wished that he could just fix it all.

But dwelling on what could have been done differently doesn't to anything to fix reality, and it never will. So, he lifted his head and took a deep breath. As they stood now, they were all almost closer than ever. He was doing his best to help Beckett heal, and the person – no, monster – that had killed Montgomery was dead too, which, he knew, didn't fix it, but it helped.

And now there was one, just one more monster to find. To lock up. To defeat.

He had gotten them into this, and they had gotten this far, he vowed to do anything he could to end it.

And he would do his best to make sure that nobody else got hurt.

He stood, and walked to his room, yawning. He opened the door to find Beckett weeping on his bed.

"Kate?" he ran over to her, sitting next to her on the bed. "Kate, baby, what's wrong?"

Beckett shook her head quickly.

"Kate, talk to me, please?" Castle pleaded softly, putting his hands on her shoulders.

"Just please, leave me alone, Castle." She got out through her tears. "I'm fine, really. I'll get over it. I'll stop. I promise."

"You're crying." He pointed out.

"It's nothing. Just please leave it. Please." Beckett begged tearfully.

"Okay." Castle said gently, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her closed. "Okay. I'll drop it. You're alright." He soothed.

She hugged him tightly and sobbed onto his shoulder with him rubbing her back lightly, wanting to stop crying, but not being able to do so for a long time.

And all the while, Castle just sat there and held her.

After a while, when her sobs had quieted to tears rolling down her cheeks silently, she said, "I'm a mess."

"You're perfect." He told her, and meant it.

Beckett said nothing, but rubbed her thumb back and forth on his back.

"What sparked this?" Castle asked after a moment.

She let go of Castle and sat back. "…Josh called." She told him quietly. "He told me he really liked me, and that he was sorry he hadn't been by to see me…then he started talking about how he was the one who did my surgery, and how his hospital has some policy against dating patients." She sniffed heavily and wiped her face with both palms. "I started crying somewhere around when he was talking about how stressful this all was for him."

"He broke up with you?" Castle asked incredulously.

Beckett nodded faintly. "Yupp."

Castle clenched his fists. "It's bad enough that he doesn't have the balls, or apparently care enough to come and see you," his voice rose in volume with each word. "But now he's going to leave you at a time like this? He's a big fancy doctor, doesn't he know that keeping trauma patients stress-free can be critical to recovery?" he recited from his endless online medical research he had done since she got shot. "_Especially_ heart patients! I-"

"Rick." Beckett said faintly, a sharp contrast to the way she usually barked his last name whenever she wanted him to stop talking.

Castle stopped, breathing a bit heavy. "I'm worried about you."

Beckett looked away. She wanted to say something. Tell him that she was okay, that she was fine, but she couldn't lie to him anymore. She was so very far from okay.

He sighed and crawled over to his usual side of the bed, sitting up against the pillows. He turned his head to look at Beckett. "I'm sorry he did that to you." He told her quietly.

She shrugged as if it were no big deal, even though tears still tumbled down her cheeks.

It was only a moment before Beckett let herself fall over sideways from her criss-crossed position so that her head was in Castle's lap.

Wordlessly, Castle began to run his fingers through the lengths of her hair.

A long time had passed with them just like that. Her trusting him and him holding her, each one gaining comfort from the other. Finally, Beckett whispered, "I don't know who I am anymore."

Castle looked down at her and furrowed his brow. "What do you mean?"

"I think about the things I did and said and I just…I can't believe it was me." She continued to whisper. "If Josh had broken up with me back then I wouldn't have cried…especially not while he was still on the phone."

"Hey…" Castle said reassuringly. "You've been through a whole hell of a lot these past few months, no one expects you to be Iron Woman right now."

She sat up. "Except I can't even access that person anymore." She shook her head. "I cry every night, Rick. And I'm depressed and helpless and _angry _with myself…" she swallowed hard and closed her eyes, trying to keep from breaking down again. "I'm not your Nikki Heat right now. I'm not strong or…" She trailed off. "I'm not the woman you're worried about." Her voice broke.

Castle put his hands on either side of her face, forcing her to look at him. "No, it's you." He felt his heart breaking for her.

Beckett searched his face. "I wish I could be as sure as you."

"You don't have to be right now." He told her, tucking a maverick lock of hair behind her ear. "I'll know for both of us."

The ghost of a smile played on her lips. "Thank you. For everything."

Castle settled down in the pillows. "Forever."

Beckett mimicked his movement. "What happened to 'always'?"

He shrugged. "Didn't feel like it covered enough."

Beckett moved closer to him and laid her head on his chest.

Castle held her tight. He hated seeing her like this, especially when there was nothing he could do to fix it. She was so incredible, so truly amazing, and _so_ down on herself. When her eyelids had closed, and he was just sure she was asleep, he whispered, "I wish you would see yourself through my eyes."

She wasn't asleep.

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><p><strong>Review? <strong>


	8. Don't Give Up

**I'm back from vacation! I wrote apretty good amount on this story while I was gone, so I should have a few chapters up soon. However, my overall writing is going to be slowing down a bit on account of school starting. Sorry, all. Bear with me. **

**Fair warning, this chapter is kinda dark. **

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Castle.**_

**Enjoy.**

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><p>Day 4: When Beckett woke at 7, Castle was already awake. She rolled onto her back and stretched gently, wincing as her wound moved. It always hurt the worst in the morning. Maybe because the scar tissue was fresh, maybe because the memory of it was too.<p>

She swung her legs off the bed and stood. As soon as she stepped out of the bedroom door, the smell of breakfast – along with the sound of a very angry sounding Alexis – drifted toward her.

"Fine. You want to know what's wrong with me?" Alexis asked agitatedly. "I'm not a big fan of you running around playing detective!"

There was a pause. "I thought you thought it was cool."

"That was before you decided to dive in front of a woman who was being shot at!"

"It saved her life!"

"So?"

"Alexis!"

"Look, Dad, I know I sound cold, and I'm glad Detective Beckett's alive and all that, but what if it had hit you?"

"But it didn't."

"But what if it _did_?" Alexis sounded desperate.

There was another pause, and Beckett could only assume that Castle had no response.

"Think about yourself for once." Alexis begged, just loud enough for Beckett to hear. "Stop thinking about her! Everything is about her! Think about Gram! Think about _me_!"

"I would have done the same thing for either of you." Castle said gravely.

"But you don't have to!" Alexis stomped her foot. "You don't have to dodge bullets for us, or chase down criminals!"

"But I _like_ it!" Castle insisted.

There was yet another brief pause. "Exactly."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean I liked the way things were before you ever set foot in the 12th!" Alexis practically yelled. "I hate that I have to worry about whether or not you'll be coming home every night! I hate that I'm going to be paranoid when I go off to Stanford! I hate how she changed you! How this _all_ changed you!" she took a few deep, steadying breaths. "No one loves you more than I do, Daddy. I just want you to be safe."

"Lex, I – " Castle began softly.

"Just think about it. Please?" Then the front door opened and shut.

Beckett sunk down against the wall, and put her head in her hands. She felt sick. Anymore, trouble seemed to follow her around wherever she went, and no she was coming between the family that she had always almost envied.

And it wasn't right.

He shouldn't have to deal with this, with her. It was _her_ mother's case. She should have shut down the investigation a long time ago. Should have cut Castle loose when he first discovered it. Shouldn't have gotten close to him in the first place.

And Castle loved her. He had told her, and what he had said the previous night had only reaffirmed that. She didn't doubt him at all. She only wished that he didn't.

There seemed to only be one solution.

Beckett stood and walked back into the bedroom and stared at her bag, still open from last night.

She hesitated, unsure. But it only lasted for a moment, and she told herself once more that this was the only way to solve everything.

Beckett walked to her bag and moved her clothes out of the way, revealing her gun in its holster and her badge. Her fingers, almost of their own accord, flew to her badge and grasped it. She rubbed her thumb over it, feeling every bump and ridge as a flood of memories rushed back to her. It was solid in her hand as she flashed it at someone, it was weightless, but almost too heavy at the same time as she picked it up for the first time each day, it was the thing anchoring her to the ground at a tough scene or when walking to a family. In many ways, the badge was her.

Out of her whole existence, this was the most haunted she had ever felt.

She threw it angrily back in her bag, grabbed her gun and stood up, fastening it to her hip. She took a deep breath and grabbed her jacket, putting it on and positioning it so that it hid the gun. Then, she walked out. She had her hand on the doorknob of the front door when a voice behind her made her stop.

"Where are you going?"

Beckett turned to see Castle standing a few feet behind her. "Out."

"Kate, you can't go out there." Castle looked at her like she was crazy. "There's a sniper out there trying to kill you!"

"I'm just going for a walk!" She snapped.

"Then I'll come with you." Castle began to walk forward.

"No!" Beckett said too forcefully.

He stopped and looked at her suspiciously, and then noticed the bulge at her him. Feeling his heart plummet into his stomach he asked, "Why do you have your gun?"

"Protection. I'm leaving." She began to open the door, but Castle grabbed her arm to stop her.

He had his face dangerously close to hers, and looked mad. "I swear to God, Kate, if you're going on a manhunt…"

"I'm not." Beckett said shortly.

"Oh, really?" Castle chuckled coldly. "Funny, the gun says otherwise."

"That's not what it's for!" Beckett said sharply, looking a bit frenzied.

Sudden realization crossed Castle's mind. The anger ebbed away from his face, fear taking its place. "Then what's it for?" he almost whispered, terrified of the answer.

"I'm going to solve everybody's problems." She pulled herself from his grasp and tried again for the door.

Castle grabbed both of her shoulders tightly. "You won't be solving anything!"

Beckett fought back against him, trying desperately to get away, hitting him as hard as she could wrenching this way and that and moving frantically, tears welling up in her eyes.

Castle kept his grip and stood his ground. "Hey, hey, stop, it's okay, you're alright."

"God, let go of me, Castle!" She yelled, holding back a sob.

He felt like he was carrying her out of the hangar and away from Montgomery all over again. "I'm not going to do that." He did his best to sound calm. "Killing yourself won't do anything good."

"Yes it will!" She gritted her teeth and pounded still harder on his chest. "_I'm_ the one that he wants! The case can be over! Everybody will be safe! It'll fix you and Alexis! You won't have to deal with me anymore!"

"That's not the best way to solve this!" Castle told her desperately. "Hey, all those people who died? You kill yourself and it was all in vain."

This caught her attention. Slowly she stopped thrashing and stared up at him with wide eyes.

He stared back for a minute, letting that sink in, both of them breathing heavily. "Please don't give up." He pleaded softly. "You can do this. We'll get through this together."

"I ruined your life."

"No." He shook his head. "You didn't. Trust me, this isn't the way to do things."

Beckett stared at him, unconvinced.

"Talk to me." He urged.

She simply shook her head, feeling quite numb. She tried to make another break for it, and Castle tightened his grip.

"I'm not letting you do this." His face was stony.

Beckett shook her head. "I'm not crazy." She whispered.

"I know." Cautiously, he hugged her, breathing a sigh of relief when her arms wound their way around him lightly. He took it as a sign of her giving up her endeavors. "Oh, thank God." He murmured into her neck. "I can't tell you how much you mean to me."

Then, she crumpled to the floor.

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><p>The world seemed to spin as Castle wrapped his arms around her. Black spots appeared in her vision, and she felt dizzy, so she lifted her numb, heavy arms and clung to him in a vain attempt to keep herself upright. She vaguely heard Castle's voice saying something – maybe to her, maybe not – but she couldn't make out the words. He sounded hollow, echo-y, and far away.<p>

The black spots grew larger and her breaths grew lighter and shorter and she tried to dig her fingers in to keep standing, but her body grew weaker and her thoughts grew murkier. She felt her knees buckle, and then the black took over.

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><p><strong>Review?<strong>


	9. How to Save a Life

**I try my best to create medical scenarios that are realistic in nature. However, that being said I'm certainly not schooled in any medical profession, so if those of you who are see something that's impossible, or just wouldn't happen, feel free to let me know. **

_**Disclaimer: I don't own Castle, or anything affiliated with it. **_

**Enjoy!**

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><p>When Beckett woke, it was to the all too familiar lights and sounds of the ICU. She opened her eyes a crack, then shut them tightly against the bright lights and listened. She heard the steady beat of her cardiac monitor, the murmur of hushed voices around the floor, and a ventilator next to her. She felt the solid bed underneath her, the vague soreness in her arm from an IV in her elbow, and rough tubes in her nose.<p>

The combination of these things is why she didn't want to wake up.

For a bit, just a minute or two, she had been free. Gone. Flying. And now she was back here, in harsh reality, where nothing was okay and everything hurt.

Giving up, she opened her eyes and looked around. The room was clean, cold, white, and utilitarian. Nearly identical to the one she stayed in before. Her vision swam a bit, but she noted an empty try in front of her, a bathroom, and a row of chairs in front of two windows to her left, complete with a sandy haired man with his head in his hands.

"Castle." She croaked, her throat, mouth, tongue, and lips dry.

His head snapped up. "Kate." He stood and walked to the bed. "How're you feeling?"

Beckett cleared her throat. "Like hell." She said. She didn't offer a smirk like she would have in the past. Didn't look away. Just stared back into his concerned eyes with her cold ones.

Castle pressed the nurses button on her bedside table. "They told me to call them when you woke up." He told her in response to her confused expression.

She nodded vaguely and elected to stare blankly at the wall instead of his face, because at least the wall didn't expect anything from her.

Castle sighed heavily and took her hand, holding it very much in the same way one would hold a wounded baby bird.

They sat for a few moments in the silence that they had come to accept as normal over the past few days, until Dr. Romanzi came in. She paused in the doorway. "Is it alright if he hears your medical information?"

Beckett lifted a hand, and then let it fall again.

"Verbal consent, Detective."

"It's fine. He cares more than I do." She looked at her hands as if they held an answer, some secret key that she so desperately needed.

Castle and Romanzi exchanged a glance over her head.

Romanzi came the rest of the way into the room and began switching out Beckett's empty IV bags for full ones and checking her vitals. "The damage in your brain from your concussion caused a problem." She told her. "Without getting into too much medical talk, the message that your brain sends out that tells your heart to pump never got there. As a result you went into full cardiac arrest."

Beckett said nothing, but listened.

"The thing is…" Romanzi pulled up a chair on the other side of Beckett's bed. "With the medication we put you on this never should have happened."

Beckett looked away.

Romanzi leaned forward and softened her voice. "Look, Detective. We can tell from your labs that you haven't been taking your medication."

"That's impossible." Castle piped up. "I've been making sure she's taken them everyday. I've been so careful."

Still, Beckett said nothing.

Romanzi looked at her skeptically. "Go on, tell me I'm wrong." She shrugged. "Just say the word, and I'll operate under the assumption that something's wrong and they aren't getting absorbed into your bloodstream. Just know that that only keeps you in here for a long time while we run test, after test, after test, until we figure this out."

Beckett swallowed hard and closed her eyes. "You're not wrong." She said in a voice barely above a whisper. She opened her eyes to find Castle looking at her, a mix of confusion and hurt playing on his features. "I throw them away when you're not looking." She confessed.

"Now we're getting somewhere." Romanzi said, flipping open her chart to take notes. "Have you been feeling any pain lately?"

"Just in the wound." Beckett let out a steadying breath.

"Were you under any kind of stress before this happened?" Romanzi asked.

Castle and Beckett exchanged a look.

"If you don't tell her, I will." Castle said seriously.

"No." She whispered, shaking her head.

"She had her gun out and was trying to leave the loft to kill herself, and I was trying to stop her. We argued, and then she passed out." Castle swallowed hard.

"Thank you." Romanzi said sincerely. She opened her mouth to ask her next question when her pager went off. "Shit. I have to go. We're not done here." Then she went sprinting from the room.

Beckett continued to stare at Castle, betrayal etched into her face.

"I'm sorry." He locked eyes with her. "But that had to be done."

She returned her gaze to her hands as if they were the most riveting thing she had ever seen.

Silence roared through the room, quiet to the point that it pressed you from all sides, weighing you down and swallowing you whole.

Finally, Castle's voice shattered the silence. "I don't understand why we have to fight this war every day."

Beckett's head snapped back to him, but he wasn't looking at her. He had a faraway look in his eyes, and appeared to be zeroed in on one of the bedrails.

"I really don't." he continued. "Or why you insist on torturing yourself. Kate I…" he shook his head. "If you continue on the path you're on, you _will_ die. Simple as that. Only question is when. That's the truth."

Beckett opened her mouth to say something, but Castle kept talking.

"And I can help you. We can get through this. Together. But you have to let me, and you have to learn to help yourself too. That means no more throwing away meds, no more laying on your wound on purpose no more suicide attempts." Finally, he locked eyes with her, looking tired and desperate. "And I know you don't much feel like living right now, and I guess I almost understand but…we're gonna get the guy that shot you. We're closer than ever to catching your mother's killer. Montgomery brought his own justice…and I know I've said this next thing before, but I'm not quite sure you got it so let me make myself perfectly clear. If you died, it would be a tragedy. Yeah, it's your life, and, yes, you'll throw it away if you want to, _but you are by no means the only one who gets hurt._ Take you out of the picture and your dad has lost his wife and his daughter to the same case. Montgomery's death was for nothing, and he wasted his life. Esposito and Ryan lose a partner and a very close friend. Lanie loses her best friend. Not to mention that their grief over Montgomery is now doubled with your death. Alexis and my mother lose someone they've come to almost accept as family. And me?" he paused. "Take you away, and I'm exactly where you are now."

Beckett desperately wanted to say something, but was stunned.

Castle stood and walked the few steps to her bedside. He placed a hand gently on one side of her face and kissed the top of her head, holding his lips there for a few seconds, and then saying "I'm going to go get you some water." partially because he needed to get out of the room.

The now familiar urge to cry overtook Beckett, and she gave in.

Because this time, Castle's speech sunk in.

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><p><strong>What do you think is going to happen next? What did you like? What didn't you? Review? Pretty please? <strong>


	10. Fragile Mind

**Thanks for the love, everybody. (: This chapter includes two parts, because they were both short. **

**And to Jayce Gish (PM's were disabled): I guess it's a good thing it's fiction then, hmm? (; Thanks for your insight! I'll keep that in mind. **

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Castle or anything affiliated with it.**_

**Enjoy!**

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><p>Night 4: Beckett was standing in a warehouse.<p>

It was deserted; it's utilitarian industrial white paint peeling off of the cement brick walls. Her footsteps echoed with each step, and she stopped in the middle of the room, her service weapon out and in front of her.

Then she heard more footsteps, and a man emerged, walking slowly to face her about 15 feet away. Sunlight poured in the wall of windows behind him, lighting him up.

"Castle?" She asked, very confused, furrowing her brow and lowering her gun.

"Go home." Castle told her. "Leave. You're not safe here."

Beckett smiled a bit, just sure he was joking. "What are you talking about?"

"It's a trap. Get out of here. It's too late for me." His blue eyes showed no trace of their usual warmth or happiness.

"Why?" Beckett asked, and then a shot rand through the warehouse. She spun instinctively to look for the shooter, but found no one.

When she turned back around, Castle was on the floor.

Everything happened in slow motion. She heard herself yell "Castle!" and she tried to go to him, but it felt like she was running through waist deep water. Every time she began to get close to him, he got farther away again. "Castle!" she screamed again, frantic and desperate. All of the sudden, arms were holding her back. She thrashed against them, shrieking, "Let me go! I need to be with him! Stop it!"

She kept fighting her captor until she became aware that she was in a hospital, and that two nurses were trying to restrain her so that she didn't rip herself free of all her tubes. She stopped moving, confused, and lay down on the bed, breathing heavily.

Cautiously, the nurses relaxed their grip. "Ma'am?" one of them asked. "Ma'am can you hear me?"

Her eyes searched the room frantically. "C-Castle."

Nurse 1 looked at the either. "What did she say?"

Nurse 2 shook her head. "I have no idea. Castle?"

Romanzi came jogging into the room, and Nurse 1 stepped aside so that she could have access to the bed. "What happened?"

"We aren't sure. She was asleep, then all of the sudden she was tachycardiac and her bp skyrocketed so we ran into here, then she just started screaming and flailing." Nurse 2 informed her.

"Flailing?" Romanzi echoed. "Like seizing?"

"No." Nurse 2 shook her head. "This was different."

"And then she said something, but we didn't understand her." Nurse 1 added.

Romanzi turned back to the bed to find Beckett feebly trying to get up, using the railings to bring herself to a sitting position, and then swinging her legs off the bed.

"Hey." Romanzi put a hand on Beckett's shoulder and eased her back into lying down. "Detective Beckett? Are you alright?"

"I need to see Castle." She told Romanzi.

"Castle. That's what she said before." Nurse 1 said.

"We sent him home, remember?" Romanzi asked in a soothing voice. "Visiting hours were over."

"He's dead." Beckett's eyes swam with tears.

"No. He's fine. He called to check on you just a few hours ago, and he'll be here at 11 A.M. when visiting hours start up again."

She thought for a moment, and then everything became clear. Embarrassed, she closed her eyes. "You're right. I'm sorry."

"It's okay." Romanzi said sincerely. "You just had a bad dream."

Beckett looked away. "Every night…" she muttered.

"You have these dreams every night?" Romanzi asked.

Beckett gave an almost imperceptible nod. "Unless Castle's there." She whispered.

Romanzi frowned. "I'm going to give you a sedative to get you through the night, alright?"

"Fine."

Romanzi filled a syringe with a bit of clear liquid and pushed it into the port on Beckett's IV. "This should help you sleep. I can't promise that it will fend off nightmares, but it should calm you down enough that it should help."

"Thank you." Beckett said, clearly still mortified at her outburst.

"You're going to be okay, Detective." Romanzi tried to comfort her.

Beckett gave another nod.

Knowing the conversation was over; Romanzi patted Beckett's shoulder gently and walked just outside the room to the two nurses (who ducked outside when Romanzi was explaining where Castle was, figuring it was none of their business). She looked at them seriously. "Make sure she's being treated right. Not only is she a detective, she's also my favorite patient."

Nurse 2 nodded while Nurse 1 said, "Will do."

"And keep an eye on her. She's showing signs of PTSD. Watch for more symptoms."

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><p>Day 5: At 11:05, Castle came walking into Beckett's room, holding a bouquet. He paused in the doorway. "Bored yet?" he asked with a small smile.<p>

She looked at him and laughed lightly. "You have no idea."

"I brought you a book." He handed it to her, set the flowers down on the bedside table, and took a seat.

Beckett looked at him, one eyebrow raised. "_Heat Rises._"

"Advanced edition. You're the first one to read it." Castle paused and then added, "I didn't know what else you read. If you don't want to read it you don't have to."

"No, this is great. Really." She offered up a small but genuine smile. "Thank you, Rick."

Her smile made his grow bigger, and hope filled his chest. "You're welcome."

Beckett looked at the bouquet on her table. "Why did you bring me flowers?"

"That's what you do when people you care about are in the hospital."

"I've been in the hospital before."

"And I brought you flowers then too. Three times."

Beckett simply shook her head, smiling just a bit more.

Castle watched her for a moment. "How're you feeling, Kate?" he asked finally.

She took a second to answer. "Better." She nodded and looked at him. "The meds help a bit."

"Good." Castle nodded as well. "I'm glad."

Beckett messed with the edge of the blanket. "And I realized you were right. About everything. And I'm sorry I put you through what I did."

Castle shrugged. "You were already forgiven.

"And I want to say thank you. Yet again." Her eyes locked with his. "For everything."

"You already know what I'm going to say." He pointed out.

"I know." Beckett looked out the door and into the hallway where Romanzi was standing at the Nurses Station, talking to the two women from last night. She sighed and the smile slid from her face.

Castle furrowed his brow. "Something wrong?"

The now all-too-familiar obviously false smile that didn't touch her eyes now played on her face. "Yeah. Fine."

"Bullshit." Castle said simply.

Beckett hesitated, and then returned her gaze to the blanket and her hands. "I had another nightmare last night." There was no point in lying. He would figure it out anyway.

He looked guilty. "I'm so sorry I wasn't here for you. They kicked me out. I-"

"It's okay." She cut him off. "You have nothing to be sorry for."

Castle searched her face for a moment. "Doesn't mean I can't care."

Romanzi stuck her head in the room. "Mr. Castle? Can I talk to you for a second?" she glanced at Beckett. "In private?"

"Oh, um," He looked from Romanzi to Beckett and back again. "Yeah, sure." He stood and followed the doctor into the hall, brushing the tops of Beckett's feet with his hand as he passed. He stood in front of Romanzi, looking concerned. "What's up?"

"I think there may be more to Detective Beckett's state than we originally thought." She said in a hushed voice.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, before I say this I want you to keep an open mind." Romanzi cautioned.

He didn't like the sound of this. "Okay…" he said dubiously, crossing his arms.

"While the lack of medication is almost definitely what caused the cardiac arrest," Romanzi began. "I believe that she's developed a…condition."

"A condition?" Castle echoed.

"Yes." She nodded. "I believe that she's showing signs of PTSD."

"PTSD?" He repeated again. "PTSD. Seriously? You've gotta be kidding me. PTSD is for soldiers."

"Most commonly, yes, but it can occur in any person who's been through something tra-"

"She's grieving, okay?" Castle cut her off sharply. "She's not broken, and you're not House. Stop looking for mysteries where there aren't any." He began to walk away.

"Do most people you know grieve like that?" Romanzi asked, causing him to stop and turn. "Is the rest of the NYPD handling the tragedy in this way?"

Castle had no response.

"Look." Romanzi said. "All I'm asking is that you keep an eye out for the signs. If she suddenly gets angry without reason, has bouts of disorientation, insomnia, anxiety, nightmares, roller coaster moods or anything like that, I want to know. I'll call you in a few days to check, alright? But don't alert her, because it could make things worse."

"She's not broken." Castle reiterated.

"PTSD doesn't mean you're broken." Romanzi told him gently. "It just means you're sick, and we can help treat it."

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><p><strong>How about a review? <strong>


	11. Empire State of Mind

**Hey! Okay, I'm really really sorry for the month long absence. I warned you school was going to make my life crazy. However, I've come up with a new schedule, so you all _should_ be getting a new chapter about once a week. **

**It should be noted that even though season 4 premieres tonight (TONIGHT you guys), I fully intend to continue this story. **

**This chapter is dedicated to "Caskett Maniac", who has reviewed almost every chapter, and made me grin like an idiot with each review. This one's for you, because it's YOU who is "awesomazable"! (: **

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Castle or ABC, but I will be tuned in tonight to watch "Rise"! **_

**Enjoy, and sorry for the long A/N. **

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><p>Night 5: Beckett sat up in her hospital bed, staring out of the window. With the curtains drawn back, she had the perfect vantage point of the beauty that was New York City at night. The lights of the city's numerous skyscrapers shone against the black starless sky, reminding her of a city that she had known long ago.<p>

A city that gave her hope.

While it's technically true that that city was the very same one that she gazed out at now, it didn't feel like it. There had been a time in Beckett's life when New York represented everything she loved. It was a gleaming, thriving metropolis, full of people. People living, loving, dancing, crying, getting their hearts broken, making it, falling down, and dying all by the light of the buildings that towered around them.

There had been several times throughout her life that Beckett had been inspired by New York. Felt that tug, that all encompassing love for it that only someone who lived in the Greatest City on Earth could know of. A love that accepted all the faults of the place. Saw every criminal activity and dingy alley, and still viewed the city from an optimistic standpoint. Saw Central Park at Christmas, or witnessed the resilience of the people after 9/11 and knew once more that this was the place to be. New York was a city of dreamers. New York was a city of lovers. New York was a microcosm of the world, only better.

And once upon a time, the view that Beckett saw now, that gleaming, lit up viewpoint, would have given her butterflies. Would have made her smile.

But not anymore.

Now, New York felt cold. The light looked artificial, and the web that the buildings wove looked complicated. She knew, somewhere, down there, on the streets underneath her someone was being mugged, or raped, or murdered. And she knew that no matter how many beat cops the NYPD had out on the streets, they couldn't stop it. They were fighting a war they were destined to lose.

_For us, there are no victories. There are only battles._

Beckett knew that somewhere, there was a group of people coming out of a bar, drunk out of their minds from the alcohol, but alive with the buzz of the city. They would go home with someone, spend a night together in a twisted haze, trying to feel as close as they could to someone, but go home the next morning without having found that connection. They would do the same thing again that night, unaware that they were throwing their life away.

_And in the end, the best you can hope for is to find a place to make your stand. And if you're very lucky, you find someone to stand with you._

This was the city she had given her life up to protect. This was the city that she had loved from the start, and had an unwavering faith in.

And she hated it.

New York was not the Greatest City on Earth.

New York was not for dreamers.

New York was not beautiful.

New York was awful, and full of criminals and cons, and it was dirty.

Beckett fell asleep that night feeling alone.

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><p><strong>Sorry this one's so short. I typed it up at the same time as this next chapter, but I felt it should be separate. <strong>

**Review? Pretty please? **


	12. Inescapeable

**Second post today! This one's shorter too. This one and the last one make up a normal sized chapter. **

_**Disclaimer: I do not own, nor am I in any way affiliated with Castle or ABC. **_

**Enjoy.**

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><p>Day 6: Castle came in the next morning, to find Beckett sitting up in bed, looking out the window. He paused in the doorway, allowing a small smile to appear on his face. "Hey."<p>

"Hey." She didn't look at him.

He came further into the room and began to sit down in his usual chair.

"Don't bother sitting down, Castle." Beckett said, locking eyes with him.

He gave her a quizzical look, and then straightened himself. "Why?"

"You need to go home." Beckett told him.

A smile lingered on Castle's face, ever hopeful. "Why?" he reiterated.

"I've uh…I've been doing a lot of thinking." Beckett ran a hand through her hair.

"About?" Now he sounded apprehensive.

"Us. Life. Just…everything." She stared at her hands.

"And?" Castle didn't like where this sounded like it was going.

"I can't have you in my life anymore."

She had delivered the blow softly, but it Castle like a ton of bricks. He leaned against the foot of the bed. "What? Why? Kate, I-"

"Stop it." She cut him off, still speaking quietly. "From this moment forward, you aren't my partner. We don't work together. You're not shadowing me. I'm not staying at you're house." She swallowed hard. "We're not friends."

He felt his eyes grow wide. "No. Kate, don't do this. You have no reason to-"

"Yes, I do." Beckett interrupted again. "Alexis was right. I'm putting you in danger every moment I'm around you and it's not fair to you. Plus you've…changed. Since you met me."

"How is that?" Castle's words came out sharp. Daring her to say it.

"When I met you, you were some happy-go-lucky man-child with a gift for storytelling. Your family was happy. You were safe. You spent your days playing laser-tag with Alexis and your nights with women who threw themselves at you. Your life was exactly the way you wanted it. You didn't have to worry about betrayal, or people getting shot, or a detective that has more issues than a newsstand." Beckett's green eyes roamed over the devastation on the face of the man in front of her. "I ruined you."

Castle was quiet for a long time. "Bull shit." He said gravely.

"Excuse me?"

"Bull shit." Castle repeated. "You didn't ruin my life. By any stretch of the imagination. And I'm not going to ditch you just because things got hard. If that's the kind of person you think I am then you have seriously underestimated me, and misinterpreted what we have. You're not going to get rid of me that easily."

"This is for your own good." Beckett said through gritted teeth.

"No, it's not." Castle shook his head. "And it's not for yours either. I don't care what Alexis thinks." He locked eyes with her, his whole face serious. "She's my daughter, and I love her, but she's also 18, and she can't comprehend what we have here."

"And what's that?"

"Love." He paused. "We have love. And I'm sick of hiding from it. You know, at first, I thought keeping it back would help you heal, but that didn't work. Now, I'm thinking that hearing it is exactly what you need. You need to know that people love you, Kate. _I_ love you. Separating yourself from me will never be the best thing for me."

Beckett stared back at him for a minute, speechless.

"I love you." Castle said again. "I love you, and we're going to get through this as long as we have the other one. Okay?"

Beckett nodded, and in that moment, she could have kissed him. Could have grabbed him, and cried, and thanked him again for caring when no one else did. But it was all expressed in her, "Okay."

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><p><strong>Review?<strong>


	13. Unwell

**So, I guess this story is now officially AU, right? Because obviously Beckett didn't go into a coma or any of that... **

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Castle, ABC, or any of their affiliates. **_

**Enjoy. **

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><p>Day 8: Beckett sat in on a window seat, watching the rain pound down on the streets outside. She had on a chunkily knit cardigan, and her knees were pulled up to her chest. She held a coffee cup in her hands, and she would sip from it every so often, looking as if she were enjoying the warmth from the liquid more than anything. She didn't say anything. She didn't move. She simply stared out the window, and watched the city get soaked.<p>

With Castle writing, and Alexis and Martha out shopping, the loft was quiet around her. Leaving her only with the sound of the rain, and the warmth from her sweater and coffee, combating the chill outside.

She didn't think. She didn't want to. She had done so much thinking over the course of the past week that she didn't think she could stand any more. She had thought about Montgomery, and getting shot, and about her mother. Pondered how her presence was affecting Castle and Alexis. Mulled over her relationship with Castle.

That last one was the one that really made Beckett's head hurt. He had told her he loved her when she was dying. He took her in when she had no one, and took care of her. He proved that he loved her everyday. And now, he had admitted it.

And nothing had happened since.

Beckett hadn't told him how she felt yet, and he hadn't pushed. Not that she hadn't thought about that as well. She most definitely had. And after two days of turning it over and over in her brain…she still didn't know. She was so confused. Everything nowadays was complicated to an almost ridiculous degree.

The only thing she really knew was that Castle was someone she could trust. He was a friend. He would give her what she needed. Castle was someone she could depend on. A solid ground in the sea of quicksand that was her life.

And she was so thankful.

After a couple of hours, Castle emerged from his office and into the living room, but stopped when he spotted her.

He couldn't help but notice that, despite all the pain and trauma of the past few months, she was still beautiful. Her hair curled gently from being worn in a bun the previous day, and splayed freely across her shoulders. Her face was makeup less, and her mother's ring hung on its usual chain around her neck. Her thumb grazed absentmindedly over the handle of her mug, and her green eyes were locked onto the view out of the window.

But the thing that Castle appreciated the most, was the ghost of a smile that played on her face.

It was the most peaceful moment either of them had experienced in a long time.

So, Castle turned around and went back into his study, deciding to leave her be.

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><p>Night 8: When Castle walked into his bedroom that night, Beckett was already in bed, curled up on her side. "Kate?" he asked softly.<p>

"Yeah?" Came her reply.

"Just checking to see if you were awake." He paused. "You okay?"

"Dandy." Beckett said shortly.

Castle felt his brows furrow. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing. Really. I'm fine." Beckett stayed facing away from him. "Just tired."

"Fair enough." He moved his hand to the light switch, but stopped when Beckett sat up suddenly.

"Castle, wait."

He froze. "What?"

"Um." Beckett swallowed hard. "Nothing. Never mind. Sorry."

"What is it?" Castle insisted.

"Just…" Beckett's gaze drifted down to her hands, unable to maintain eye contact. "Just don't turn off the lights, okay?" Her voice sounded small and quiet.

Castle felt sympathy rush through him. "Okay." He said gently. "No problem." His hand dropped from the wall, and he walked over to the bed and climbed in.

Beckett scooted away.

"Kate?" He asked confused. When she didn't respond, he reached out and laid a hand on her shoulder.

"Don't touch me." She snapped, jerking her shoulder away sharply.

Castle drew his hand back quickly, eyeing her form concernedly. "Kate, I-"

"Just shut up. Please." Beckett squeezed her eyes shut tightly. She was so _angry._ And she didn't understand why.

Castle obeyed.

A long silence passed between the two, each one acutely aware of the other.

"I'm sorry." Beckett said softly after 10 minutes or so. "I really am. I don't know what's wrong with me."

"It's okay." Castle said sincerely. "It's not your fault."

"It is though." Beckett rolled onto her other side to look at him. "I just can't control it. And everything's always so much worse at night."

"It's okay, really. I get it." Castle soothed. "You're going to be okay, alright?"

Beckett nodded, obviously unsure.

"Talk to me." Castle urged.

"I just get…It's like I'm…I just feel _everything_ you know? First I'm terrified, then I feel like I could spend the rest of my life crying, and then I'm just angry. At everyone. At the world. At myself."

"Is there anything I can do?" Castle asked desperately.

She shook her head. "No."

"If there's anything, Kate. Anything at all. Just say the word. I'm there." Castle reminded her.

"I know." Beckett swallowed hard, blinking back the tears forming in her eyes. "I know you are. Thank you. Really."

Castle said nothing. There were so many things he could have said. But none of them meant enough. Instead, he cautiously laid a hand over hers on the bed, pleasantly surprised when she interlaced their fingers,

"When did I become the woman who's afraid of the dark?" Beckett whispered.

He didn't have an answer for her. He just stroked his thumb over hers, and said, "Things will get better. I promise."

Beckett let go of his hand, and curled into him, laying her head on his chest as she did every night now. "I hope you're right."

"I know I am." Castle kissed the top of her head. "Just try and get some sleep, okay? I know you were up all last night."

"Couldn't sleep." Beckett traced a pattern absentmindedly on his chest. "Even if I could've, the nightmares make it not worth it."

"You'll be okay tonight." He assured her, rubbing her back lightly, but something bothered him.

Romanzi's words echoed in his brain.

_Suddenly gets angry without reason. Insomnia. Anxiety. Nightmares. Rollercoaster moods…._

He made a mental note to call her in the morning as it dawned on him that his Kate needed help, and he had to be the one to get it to her.

* * *

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	14. This Is War

**You all are wonderful, spectacular, fantastic, marvelous, amazing, incredible, unbelievable, astounding, outrageous, and downright splendiferous. I sing your praises. **

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Castle, ABC, or any of their affiliates. **_

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* * *

><p>Day 9: Katherine Beckett had stopped listening a long time ago.<p>

She knew Castle and Romanzi were still trying to "reason" with her, but she didn't care. She sat on a hospital bed, knees pulled up to her chest, staring out the big window, and tuning them out.

She didn't want to hear what they had to say. Didn't want to hear them tell her she was exhibiting symptoms of PTSD, and that she should get treatment. Didn't want to listen to more evidence of how broken she was.

It wasn't even Romanzi as much as it was Castle. With Romanzi, it was expected. She was a health care professional. She had to say what she thought was the best method of treatment for her patient, and Kate understood that.

But Castle…that was different. He had told her this was just some out-of-the-blue check-up that Romanzi had wanted to do. He had tricked her. Lied to her. Duped her.

Having had enough, Beckett stood and began to walk towards the door.

Castle reached out from his chair and grabbed her wrist gently. "Kate, please. We - "

Beckett yanked her wrist back as if she had been burned. "Don't you freaking touch me, Castle!" she yelled, her voice echoing around the room. Her hands balled into fists and she shook with rage.

Castle blinked a few times, shocked. "I'm only trying to help," he practically whispered.

Beckett laughed coldly. "Is that what you're trying to do?"

Both Castle and Romanzi nodded.

"I thought I could trust you." Beckett said with a kind of deathly calm, accusation dripping off of her every word. A fire burned behind her eyes, already in battle mode.

"You can!" Castle shook his head incredulously. "I'm helping, not hurting. You know me."

"I thought I knew Montgomery." Beckett replied icily.

"I'm not him," Castle informed her. "In case you forgot, I'm the guy who's stuck around this whole time."

"Why?"

"What?"

"Why?" Beckett repeated. "Your life is easier without me. Walk away."

"Never." Castle stated gravely.

Beckett opened her mouth to speak, but Castle interrupted her.

"Look, I know you're angry, I get that. But this isn't me betraying you. This is me making sure you get the help you need." Castle explained.

"I didn't need you to fix me, Rick," Beckett snapped, each syllable clipped and sharp. Her words hung in the air for a bit before she added quietly, "I just needed a friend," and then she turned to leave once more.

She had gotten to the doorway when Castle called out once more, "I'm not Montgomery."

Something in his voice made her stop and turn, fingers gripping the doorframe so hard they turned white.

"I'm not," Castle locked eyes with her, "I'm the guy who has come back into your life again and again. Stuck around every time you've kicked me out. I'm the guy who loves you, in case you've forgotten. You know me. And I know you."

Beckett opened her mouth to protest, but once more, Castle cut her off.

"Say that I don't all you want. You're only lying to yourself," Castle said, "I know you. And I know that if there is any one thing that Kate Beckett is, she's a fighter. That's what you do. I've seen it time and time again. Do yourself a favor: don't stop now. Accept the help."

"I don't need it." Beckett whispered fiercely.

"The hell you don't," Castle said somberly. Then, in response to the dismay evident on her face, he said, "We're way past me sugar-coating things for you, Kate. Lord knows I'd protect you if I could, but I can't. And someone needs to tell you these things. If that has to be me, so be it. I'd do anything if it helped you."

Beckett's lips parted to speak once more, and Castle interrupted her a third time.

"You're sick. You need help. You can't beat this on your own, and I can't do it for you. You've got to fight. Swallow your pride, and _fight._"

"I can't anymore," Beckett explained with no life in her voice, "Everything's too messed up."

"It's never too messed up," Castle said, and then scooted forward in his chair, elbows resting on his knees, "Ruining your life isn't going to bring Montgomery back," he delivered the blow carefully, not wanting to hurt her, but knowing it needed to be said, "It's not going to bring your mom back either. It's not going to change anything that's happened up to this point. The only thing you can change is how you feel right now, and how the future is going to play out."

"What's the point?"

"The point is making the most of the next 70 or so years, instead of focusing on the events of the past 10. I know you fell apart, and that's understandable, but you have to get back up," Castle swallowed, "At least that's what _you'd_ tell _me _to do."

Beckett's face softened slightly, and her green eyes broke away from his, unable to maintain the contact. He was right, of course. And she knew it. She simply didn't want to acknowledge it. She had lost too much, at this point. She was clinging to it all. Grasping desperately at the holes left by things ripped away from her.

"And if it helps," Castle added gently, "All I told Romanzi was that you were exhibiting symptoms. The conversations we've had stayed between us."

The doctor nodded to confirm.

Beckett looked down at her hands once more, "What if um…" she swallowed hard, "What if it doesn't work? What if I'm too broken?"

"I've never encountered a case where a patient is 'too broken'," Romanzi said, "Some cases take longer than usual, yes, but the deciding factor as to time is how much the person wants to be healed. How much they cooperate. We can help you, Detective. Let us."

Beckett closed her eyes, and took a deep shaking breath, then nodded.

"You'll let them help?" Castle asked incredulously.

"Yes," Beckett kept her eyes shut tightly, "Just tell me what I need to do."

* * *

><p>Beckett sat in the back of a taxi on the way back to Castle's loft, a small white paper bag in her hands. She didn't like the bag very much. Well, maybe it wasn't the bag. In fact, she was almost fond of the way the bag crinkled and bent under her fingertips. And after all, it wasn't the <em>bag's<em> fault it contained what it did. It was what was in it that she hated. Two more of those damned dog-pee-yellow pill bottles that rattled at the slightest movement.

Beckett was beginning to feel a bit like a chemistry experiment. There were so many pills. Before, the pills were just for her body. Just to keep her at some relative state of health. Now, the pills were for her brain too. Keep her sane.

And she hated them.

In addition to the pills, she had been assigned to see a therapist twice a week. Mondays and Thursdays. She hated the idea (she had already been through therapy once, thank you very much), but it appeared she had no other choice.

Beckett looked over at the man riding next to her. Castle sat, elbow perched on the top of the door, and his head propped up on his hand. His blue eyes looked out the window, combing the sidewalk for something interesting as they drove. He always did that. It was the writer in him, she supposed. Constantly on the lookout for something new, exciting, interesting. A story to tell.

Today, though, she wasn't so sure he was actually looking, so much as he was simply doing it out of habit. His face was neutral on the surface, but a closer look revealed the deep thought, hurt, and bit of pain that he was truly feeling.

Guilt weaved its way in and overpowered all of Beckett's other emotions. Castle really was just trying to help her. And she was making it harder than it had to be. What he had said in the hospital was right – he really did come back every time. No matter if she screamed at him, no matter if her words, carefully selected to do the most damage, cut him like a knife. He had only left her side on his own once through their whole partnership, at that was after he had asked her to come with him.

"Castle…" Beckett began gently.

Castle turned to look at her. He registered the look on her face, and then reached out and took her hand. "It's okay, you don't have to say it," he told her with a soft smile.

Beckett nodded, and then lifted her eyes up to meet his, "You're too good to me, you know that?"

"You deserve it," Castle said seriously.

They were silent for just a moment before Beckett said, "I really am sorry, Rick," her voice small, quiet, and full of meaning.

"I forgive you," Castle told her, as if it were the simplest thing in the world.

"And, um," Beckett bit her lip, "I want you to know that I'm going to try this. Really try it. You were one hundred percent right back there. And while I'm sorry that I made you have to say all that, I'm really thankful you did."

Castle squeezed her hand, "Always," he reiterated for what felt like the hundredth time in the past week. But he knew it was easy for her to forget in times like these, so he would keep saying it until it sunk in.

And even after.

* * *

><p><strong>Review? If you don't, Gates and Lone Vengeance will come and lock you in a cryogenic chamber, and then kiss your partner. <strong>

**Tying all the episodes into a threat for not reviewing could very quickly become a thing...**


	15. Therapy

**You all rock, as per usual. Thanks for all the love. **

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Castle, ABC, or any of their affiliates. **_

**Enjoy. **

Day 11: Beckett sat in an office in a wing of the hospital on a little blue couch. It was obvious to her that it was supposed to be a calming environment, covered in soft surfaces and cool greens and blues…but she felt anything but calm. In fact, it was all she could to do keep from shaking. For the past week and a half, she had had a protector by her side almost every minute of the day. Between Castle, and spending a lot of time in the loft, she hadn't had to deal with anything but her own personal demons. The things that haunted her at night. Even then, Castle had done his best to make sure that they didn't weigh her down, and make it so that she didn't feel any pain. And now…

Now, she had to function on her own. Beckett felt like she had been tossed into the lion's den, left to fend for herself against the world around her. It was too much for her. There were too many emotions, and too many people, and she wasn't sure how much more she could take.

She had her sleeves pulled down to mid-palm, and her hands gripped the edge of the couch tightly as she tried to keep it together. She looked up, and noticed her therapist looking at her intently. Analyzing her. Studying her. A muscle worked in her jaw and she asked, "Yes?"

"What are you thinking, Detective Beckett?" Dr. Greene asked her, gray eyebrows furrowing.

"Nothing," she replied shortly.

Dr. Theodore Greene matched his office and his name, wearing a dark green sweater and light khakis. 5'7. African-American, with a head that boasted a shiny top and a ring of short, curly, black and white hair, Beckett could see how people could open up to him. He had a kind face, and spoke in a voice somewhere between a normal speaking tone and a hush, and always choosing his words carefully. He had warm brown eyes that kind of sparkled when he greeted a patient, a 1000-watt smile, and appeared to actually listen. He seemed, by all accounts, nice.

_Yeah, that Umbridge chick in _Harry Potter_ seemed nice too._ Beckett thought bitterly.

Dr. Greene considered her for a moment, and then closed his notebook and took off his glasses saying, "Alright, here's what we'll do. Let's stop talk about you for a moment, shall we?"

Beckett looked up, cautiously hopeful at the sudden change of focus, "Okay…"

Dr. Greene leaned forward, putting his elbows on his knees, and set the aforementioned items on the table before looking back to Beckett, and giving her a warm smile. "It's hardly fair that you're the only one who has to go under the microscope, and just judging from your occupation, I can tell you are not one who likes to be kept in the dark. Am I right?"

Beckett nodded warily.

"So, Detective, I'm giving you the reins. Ask me anything you like. No question is too personal."

Beckett eyed him, thinking, and then finally asked, "What's the hardest thing you've ever had to go through?"

Dr. Greene chuckled, and said, "Wow, Detective. Straight to the hard stuff, huh? I can see why you're so revered in your field," he rubbed the bridge of his nose and then said, "When my Loretta died, most definitely," he locked eyes with Beckett, took a deep breath, a look of pain clouding his disposition, and then continued, "She was the love of my life. We met in college at a dance. Eyes met across the room," he laughed, "It's true, I promise. I asked her to dinner, and then I asked her to go steady with me. We fell in love. Got married. We had been together for 22 years, when she died. Car accident."

"I'm so sorry," Beckett whispered. And she was.

A small, sad smile appeared on Dr. Greene's face, "It's alright, don't feel sorry for poor old me. It did take me a while to get out of though. I had just gotten this job, and I damn near lost it. I stayed home every day, I didn't want to do…well, anything."

"How did you, um…how did you get out of it?"

"A friend who works at the hospital I was at before this stopped by to check on me one day. He found me lying on my couch, a beer in my hand, and no pants on," he chuckled, "And he said, 'Teddy, what are you doing, man? You're better than this'. Of course, I didn't believe him. But he insisted. Told me he wanted to go to some new guy that had joined up. I told him no. I _was_ a therapist. I didn't need one. He didn't care. Instead, he pops out with, 'Would you want Loretta to see you like this?' That changed everything. I went, and gradually, I pulled myself back together."

Beckett looked down at her hands, "Do you still miss her?" she asked without making eye contact.

"Every damn day," Dr. Greene replied calmly.

Beckett nodded once more, and a silence settled over the two. After a few moments, Beckett asked, "Any kids?"

The doctor lit up, "Two. Patty and George. Lights of my life. Stronger than I was when their mom passed. Now, I've got grandkids too," he got up from his chair, picked something up off of his desk, and then returned to Beckett, handing her a photo in a dark wooden frame, "That's the whole family there. Well, minus my Loretta of course, but she would have loved to be there."

Beckett smiled as she looked at the picture. She spotted Dr. Greene, and identified the two kids (who were now adults), and then took in the smiling faces of the 5 grandchildren. To her dismay, she felt tears prick her eyes as she took in the family. Dammit, they were happy. They were able to come back from it. Why hadn't her and her dad been able to do that? Well, she supposed they had but…not to this extent. They had finally gotten to the point where they could see each other, and sometimes, even talk about her mother without the pain becoming unbearable. But in every one of their visits or talks, there was a sad undertone to it. That constant feel of something being missing. They hadn't gotten to happy yet.

"How do you do it?" Beckett found herself asking out loud.

"Pardon?"

"How do you all still get together and still…" Beckett swallowed back a lump in her throat, "Still look happy?"

"We all honor what we've lost, but be grateful for what we still have," Dr. Greene told her gently.

Beckett nodded stiffly, "Maybe I should try that."

Dr. Greene left his notebook where it was, even though he could have easily opened it and written down the breakthrough, "With your father?"

"Yeah," Beckett confirmed, looking back down at her hands, "We try, you know? Sometimes we'll visit each other. We call each other about once a week. We get together a few days before any major holiday, but…it's always like neither of us is really there, you know? We're lost in what it would be like if…" she swallowed hard again, "If my mom was still here. We haven't gotten to the happy stage yet. I mean after she died, it was like…it was like nothing mattered anymore. We didn't even matter to each other. Dad dived into the bottle and I just…I fell apart. It took us a long time to get where we are."

"Then take my same advice from earlier," Dr. Greene told her softly, "Be grateful for what you still have."

Beckett took a deep breath and let out a shaky laugh, "Easier said than done, doc."

Dr. Greene gave her another soft, reassuring smile, "Isn't everything?"

"Guess so," Beckett conceded, the ghost of a smile appearing on her own face. Maybe she could grow to like this guy…

"How did you feel when you learned that Captain Montgomery had betrayed you?"

_Oh, wrong day, Doc. _Beckett's eyes narrowed. "Excuse me?"

"Captain Montgomery. It must have been hard for you to find out that he had lied to you all those years. Let you spin your wheels on your mother's case, and still have the guts to look you in the eyes the next day. He had the key all along, and he didn't tell you," Dr. Greene said, "That must have really bothered you."

Before Beckett knew what she was doing, she was standing, fists clenched at her sides, "Shut up!" she shouted, "Shut the fuck up! Roy Montgomery did what he did to protect me! He died saving my life! He was a damn good cop, and an even better person. So don't you _dare_ talk to me like you knew him, like you knew what our relationship was like. Roy Montgomery was a better man than you could ever hope to be!"

"I'm sure he was," Dr. Greene said gently.

Beckett stood there for a moment, shaking and seething, before she yelled, "And it's not fair! It's not fucking fair! Because this is all my fault!" she kicked the couch as hard as she could and it scooted across the floor a foot or so. "Why does everything lead back to me?" lashed kicked couch again. "It's all my fault, and I can't stop any of it!" another kick.

"It's not you," Dr. Greene told the back of her head.

Beckett spun around, "The hell it isn't!" she snapped. "You don't know anything about this! You don't know what it's been like!"

"Not your specific situation, no," Dr. Greene admitted evenly, "So, why don't you tell me?"

"It's been _hell_!" Beckett screamed at him, not caring what she looked or sounded like anymore, "And I'm sick of it! And I'm sick of all the lives I've ruined! I can't take it anymore! It's not fair! None of this is!" she swayed slightly, and then sunk down into the couch, drained of energy and defeated, "I just want out," she whispered.

"That's not the solution, Detective," Dr. Greene said, "And you know that."

Beckett lifted her green eyes to meet his, "Then what is?"

When Beckett had gotten back to the loft, she had gone straight to the couch and sat down. She did not remove her shoes or her jacket. She didn't even set down her purse. She just sat herself down on the couch, and didn't move. She didn't cry. She didn't yell. She simply sat, and stared at the wall with blank eyes.

Alexis arrived home from school a short while later to find her in her current position. For the briefest of seconds, the young girl had considered leaving her. But she quickly shook away all thought of that. After all, angry at the situation as she was, she genuinely liked Beckett. Cautiously, she made her way over to her, and stood in front of the older woman, "Detective Beckett?"

Beckett drug her eyes away from her chosen spot on the wall to meet Alexis's concerned blue ones, but said nothing.

"Are…are you okay?" Alexis asked worry etched into her pretty features.

Beckett blinked at her, and after what seemed like an eternity said, "Yes. I'm fine."

"Um, my dad will be home soon," Alexis offered, unsure of what else to do.

"That's alright, he's done more than enough for me. He shouldn't have to constantly worry about me," Beckett said with what was almost the smallest of smiles.

Alexis nodded awkwardly, and they lapsed into silence for a minute or two before Alexis told her, "He doesn't mind, you know."

Beckett looked at the teen once more.

Reading the confusion on her face, Alexis elaborated, "He doesn't mind taking care of you. He wants to help."

"That's because he's a good person. You both are," Beckett said.

Alexis nodded again, and then disappeared into the kitchen.

Beckett wasn't sure how long she had been sitting there – seconds, minutes, hours – before Alexis returned with a steaming mug, and held it out to Beckett.

Unsure of what else to do, Beckett took the mug, and then looked up at her, puzzled.

"It's tea. Cinnamon Apple," Alexis explained, "It always helps me whenever I get really down."

A small smile appeared on Beckett's face, as she understood. She took a sip, set the mug down, and then stood and wrapped Alexis in the biggest hug she could muster.

"Thank you," she said, moved by the unbidden display of kindness, and concern for her well-being.

"Anytime," Alexis replied easily, returning the hug, "You're family here, Beckett. We've got your back."

**Please Review!**


	16. Save You

**Hopefully, I'll get around to answering all of your reviews, but if not, let me say this: You all are awesome, and I'm so glad that you're liking the new doc. **

**_Disclaimer: I do not own Castle, ABC, or any of it's affiliates._**

**Enjoy.**

* * *

><p>Day 14: "How are you feeling today, Detective?" Dr. Greene asked, ushering Beckett into his office and taking a seat in his usual chair.<p>

"Um…" Beckett sat down on the couch and smoothed the fabric of her pants, not making eye contact. "I'm…I'm okay."

Dr. Greene arched an eyebrow at her, "Mmm. Is that so?"

"Yupp," Beckett answered shortly, raising her eyes to look out the window at the sunny New York cityscape.

Dr. Greene nodded, "Alright," he said, and then didn't push.

Beckett nodded as well, and continued looking out the window for a few moments, a million things spinning through her mind.

Dr. Greene simply looked out the window too, "Pretty day out."

"It is," Beckett agreed, "Nice weather."

"For once," Dr. Greene chuckled, "Lovely break from the heat."

"That's for sure," Beckett said, thankful for the bit of light conversation, "Everyone's out and about today."

"And why not? You should always take advantage of opportunities when they arise."

"Do you have any plans today?"

Dr. Greene thought for a moment, and then said, "I might take my grandkids out to the park after I'm finished with today's patients."

"That sounds nice," Beckett said, quieter than usual. "Perfect day for it."

The two lapsed into silence, just looking out the window, lost in their respective thoughts.

After 5 minutes or so, Beckett looked down at her hands and said, "I have nightmares."

Dr. Greene looked at her, but said nothing, letting her come to him on her own.

"Ones where people I love are getting killed off, and I can't save them. Ones where I'm running through hallways full of snipers, dodging bullets. Ones where everyone is wearing a mask, and I can't tell who's who, or if they're lying or not…" Beckett swallowed hard. "And I have them almost every night."

"Is there a time when you don't?" Dr. Greene asked softly.

Beckett took a deep breath, "Um…yeah, actually," she lifted her eyes to meet his warm brown ones. "When Castle's there."

"And this is the man that you're living with right now, correct?" he asked.

"By force," Beckett said with a cold chuckle, "He's my partner."

Dr. Greene analyzed her for a brief moment, "Is he more than that?"

Beckett sighed and toyed with the necklace around her neck, "That's the Million Dollar Question."

"Meaning?"

"Meaning…Castle…he's a big part of my life," Beckett searched for the right words. "He's the person I spend the most time with, and talk to the most…he's my best friend, I guess."

"But there might be more?" Dr. Greene questioned.

"When I was shot…Castle he…he dived in front of me. And I remember, right before the lights went out…he was begging me to stay with me….and…"

"What did he say, Detective?" Dr. Greene asked softly.

"…He told me he loved me," Beckett finished.

"Does that worry you?"

Beckett thought for a moment, "You know, as crazy as it sounds, it really doesn't. I mean, I was shocked at first but now…it's like it's just a fact. Like it's always been there."

Dr. Greene met her eyes, "Do you return his feelings?"

Beckett looked away, twirling her mother's ring through her fingers, "Maybe? I don't know. Castle's always been there for me, and he seems to know exactly what I need, when I need it. And he gives it to me. Without hesitation. Even if it's alone time, and even if it means he has to look like the bad guy. He's the one who convinced me to come and talk to you."

"Sounds like he really cares about you."

"He does," Beckett smiled softly. "And…I care about him too. I mean, if you can't picture your life without someone, and you think about them, and you spend most of your time with them…doesn't that mean something?"

"I don't know," Dr. Greene said. "Does it?"

"It does," Beckett said, a sudden confidence in her words. "It means a lot, actually."

"So, why don't you talk to him about it?"

"I've tried," Beckett said glancing down at her hands. "He says we can't talk about it yet, because he doesn't want to put anything extra on me while I'm 'healing'," she hooked air quotes around the words. "…He's a good guy that way," she added softly.

Dr. Greene nodded and looked thoughtful for a moment, "He does sound like it."

Beckett's gaze returned to her hands as she debated on saying her next thought, "He's the only thing I've found that makes the pain just a little more bearable," she almost whispered.

"Then keep him around," Dr. Greene said simply.

Beckett nodded, "I intend to," she glanced up at him. "But I can't control what he does. People leave."

"Do you really think he's going to do that?" Dr. Greene asked skeptically.

A small smile graced Beckett's features, "No," she said, shaking her head.

"Then don't let what others have done in the past create a fear so strong that you throw away your own future," Dr. Greene told her, "Have a little faith, Detective."

Beckett nodded, processing, but said nothing.

"Now, let's talk about these nightmares," Dr. Greene said after a moment.

"Well, it's obvious where they come from, isn't it?" Beckett asked.

"By all means, why don't you tell me?" Dr. Greene asked, surprised that he didn't have to do this part, as he usually did.

"Well, the shooting dreams come from being shot, the ones about people I love dying comes from just that – people I love dying, and the mask dreams come from everyone betraying me in this case."

Dr. Greene considered that, and then said, "Why don't we tackle those issues one thing at a time, then. Let's start with the shooting. Talk to me about that."

Beckett was silent for a long moment, a jumbled mess of thoughts slamming into her brain at once. Everything she hadn't told anyone because she didn't want him or her to worry. "It's not like it is on T.V., you know?" she said quietly. "No one ever tells you about that split second of sheer _terror_ between the gunshot being fired and the bullet hitting you. No one ever tells you about how loud the screaming is," tears shone in her eyes, and her voice cracked. "No one ever tells you how much it _hurts_," she closed her eyes and pressed a hand to her scar. "And I can still feel it, I can still. Feel. It. And I hate that," her eyes opened and tears trailed down her cheeks, "No one ever prepares you for that in the Academy," she whispered.

Sympathy shone in every one of the doctor's features, and he reached across the coffee table and put a hand on Beckett's, "If they told everyone that, no one would sign up," he said with a soft smile.

Beckett laughed slightly and wiped away her tears, "No, I guess not," she looked out the window again, "I just wish I could go back in time, and stop it all from happening."

Dr. Greene sat back in his chair again, "But you can't, Detective, so there's no use in wishing that. The only thing you can do now is accept that it happened, and decide not to let it break you down."

"It's not that simple," Beckett shook her head, "It's not that easy."

"I never said it would be easy," he said, "But it is indeed that simple. In order to beat this, you have to confront it. You have to be able to accept it. It's in your history now, and there's nothing you can do to change that. But you can work with it, and you can overcome it."

Beckett was silent for a long time, "I don't know if I can. The person I was before the shooting is gone. She's just not here any more. I look at old photos and that's a completely different woman. She was strong," she shook her head. "Or at least she was damn good at pretending like she was."

"Well," Dr. Greene said carefully. "Let's make you strong for real."

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**If you don't, Gates, Lone Vengeance, and 3XK (dressed like Elvis) will come and lock you in a cryonics chamber inside of a haunted house, kiss your partner in front of you, and leave you with only paper dolls cut out of famous paintings to entertain yourself with.**

**(How am I doing with tying all the episodes together, folks?)**


	17. Lean On Me

**There will be a chapter at the end of this author's note, so bear with me. **

**I'm so so incredibly sorry that I haven't posted in a little under two months (eesh). As of late, I've been dealing with high stress from school, anorexia, self-harm, and my own PTSD. Which, you'd think, would fuel this particular story, but it did the exact opposite, and I am so very sorry. **

**I'm not telling you all this to get pity, but because you guys have been such loyal and fantastic readers, and I feel you deserve a good explanation as to my absence on here. I left you guys hanging, and that was irresponsible of me as an author. **

**I hope you all will join me once again for this story, and my other story "Secrets, Lies, and TellTale Signs", and haven't given up just yet. Thanks for being awesome. **

**_Disclaimer: I do not own Castle, ABC, or any of it's affiliates. _**

**Enjoy!  
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><p>Day 28: As of late, Beckett had taken to a spell of silence. She was always with the family, but she rarely spoke. She simply breezed around the loft, her pretty face holding an expression of deep thought on good days, and intense pain on the bad days. Gone were the days of her hollow stare combing the room as if looking for an escape, an answer, or a meaning. No, it had become very clear that Katherine Beckett was a woman with quite a lot on her mind. The question pertaining as to what it was, however, was one that was often thought, rarely asked, and never answered. She moved through her each day's tasks with a kind of ghost-like presence.<p>

That's not to say that the Castle's had given up trying to help. They would attempt to engage her in conversation, asking things like "How was your day?" and "How is the book you're reading?" Sometimes, she would respond, and she would chat politely with the asker. Other days – the bad ones – she would respond quietly and shortly, making it clear that she was in no mood to speak.

The one who spoke far and beyond the most to Beckett was Castle. On a daily basis, he demonstrated his skill at upholding a conversation with only one person by simply telling her things. The news, his day, the weather, and his book all made appearances in the rotation regularly. Anything would do, really, so long as it was light and he thought she would be interested. For the most part, this took place after dinner in the living room when Martha was at play rehearsal or "book club", and Alexis was in her room working on homework. The duo would each take a seat in the two over-stuffed, leather armchairs and read for a few moments in still silence before Castle would begin to rehash that day's stories. And every night, Beckett would put down her book, and listen attentively, her green eyes fixed upon him, happy to sit, and listen to his voice, and receive a brief respite from her mind.

The other time this occurred was on the nights when Beckett found herself unable to sleep. Late at night, Castle seemed to be able to sense when she was awake. He would ask, "Are you still up?" She would affirm, and then he would ask her a strange question that she did not know the answer to ("What would happen if penguins could actually fly?"), and then proceed to answer it. He would talk, and talk, and talk until she fell asleep listening to his soft voice rising and falling as he spoke the words that his imagination crafted just for her. Once, he spoke to her until the sun came up.

One afternoon, Beckett returned from therapy to find Martha sitting on the couch, reading in an odd moment of downtime. Still deep in thought and worn out from her session, Beckett walked numbly into the room, and sat down in Castle's favorite spot, letting out a heavy sigh as she did so.

This caught Martha's attention. She peered at Beckett over the top of her book, and couldn't help but notice that the young woman in front of her looked exhausted. She opened her mouth, closed it, and then opened it again; unsure as to whether or not she should say something. Usually, when she looked down, they left her be. Beckett had made it clear through her actions and tones that a conversation was not what she needed when she felt bad. But, her heart was breaking for the poor girl, and she figured she wouldn't let her son sit alone when he was sad, so she said, "Kate, darling, are you feeling alright?"

Beckett glanced at Martha flashed a quick smile, nodded, and resumed staring out the window.

Well, she tried.

Martha returned to her book until just a few moments later when an almost timid voice, uncharacteristically soft reached her ears.

"Um, actually, no. I'm not."

Without a second's hesitation, Martha put the book down on the couch and asked, "What is it, dear?"

"I…I feel guilty," Beckett admitted, raising her eyes to meet Martha's.

Genuine surprise marked Martha's features. "Why on Earth would you feel guilty?"

Beckett toyed with her mother's ring. "You all are so nice to me," she said almost incredulously, "And all I do is sit here in silence and make you guys baby-sit me, and it's not right."

"Oh, Kate," Martha moved to sit on the edge of the coffee table in front of Beckett's chair and put a hand on her knee. "You're _grieving_, it's natural! And I must say, you're handling it a lot better than I would have. Had it been me, I would be curled up in a ball with a bottle of wine for the rest of my life, no question."

Beckett laughed softly and shook her head. "Still," she insisted. "I shouldn't be putting you all through this…I'm just…I'm just really sorry that you all got wrapped up in this. I would have gone home a long time ago and let you live your lives but Cas-"

"Richard did the right thing by making you stay with us," Martha interrupted softly. "Lord knows what would have happened to you on your own. Besides…" she hesitated, and then continued. "There was a time when Richard thought he lost you. We all did. I can honestly say I can't remember a sadder three weeks in my life. We were all grieving…I spent one night just looking up at the ceiling of my bedroom, and asking why it had to be you," her voice sounded strangled, and Beckett was surprised to see tears in Martha's eyes. "And we were all wandering around here, just thinking about what we would give to have you back. All of us."

Beckett found herself thoroughly incapable of speech.

Martha took Beckett's hand and looked at her sincerely. "So, don't you say for one second that we're baby-sitting you, or that you're burdening us, because you aren't. We love having you around here, rain or shine. We'll do whatever we can to help you, and you know why?"

Beckett shook her head.

"Because that's what families do," Martha informed her with a soft smile. "We'll get you back on your feet."

"I…" Beckett floundered, touched by the older woman's confession. "I just don't know when that's going to be," she admitted in a whisper.

"Darling, you take all the time you need. You're not on anyone's timeline but your own," Martha said. "As far as we're concerned, you could move in permanently."

Beckett looked down at where Martha's hand rested on her own. "I'm trying," she said quietly. "I really am. But everything just got so hard. And sometimes I worry I'll never be the person that you all care about."

"We care about _you_," Martha insisted, unaware that she was more or less repeating her son verbatim. "In the good times and the bad ones."

"Thank you," Beckett said genuinely. "I don't deserve you all."

"You do," Martha said firmly. "And Kate? No matter what happened in the past, we love you, and we aren't going anywhere."

"I believe you. Thank you. If there's ever anything I can do…"

Martha stood and kissed Beckett on top of the head. "You're doing it," she told her before exiting the room to go get ready for rehearsal.

The answer to what Beckett had been thinking so hard on for the past two weeks was a very simple question in theory, but quite difficult when put into practice. Her question was this: is it worth it to try? To try to be happy? To try to recover? To put everything at risk, yet again? To get back up, when she had no desire to? Would it work? Was it worth it? Her conclusion was this: For people like the Castle's, it absolutely would. That simply left her with one conundrum that she wasn't sure she was ready to face just yet.

Could she be okay if this guy was never caught?

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	18. Marchin' On

**So sorry it's taken me a bit to post again. Once again, life got crazy. Thankfully, this time it was school and the flu. **

**_Disclaimer: I do not own Castle, ABC, or any of it's affiliates. _**

**__Enjoy!**

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><p>Day 30: "Kate?"<p>

The simple utterance brought Beckett back to Earth. She turned away from the window to find Castle standing a bit behind her, a curious look on his face.

"You alright?"

Beckett nodded, and then added, "Yeah, just thinking I guess."

"You've been doing a lot of that lately," Castle noted.

Beckett nodded again, and then turned back to the window.

Castle frowned. He wanted to help so badly…but when she got like that, he just didn't know how. What was too much? What was too little? What would he even say? He didn't know where to start.

He was spared having to think too hard when suddenly Beckett said, "She would have liked you, you know."

"Who?" Castle asked, even though he already knew the answer.

Beckett turned to face him again, arms wrapped around her torso. "My mom," she answered.

"Yeah?"

Beckett smiled gently. "Yeah," she said, a nostalgic look in her eyes. "She would. I've been thinking and…I think she'd really like your personality," her smile grew a bit bigger. "She might think you were a little odd, granted, but I think she'd like that."

Castle couldn't help but smile along with her. "I think I'd like her too."

"You would," Beckett said with certainty. "She cared about _everybody._ It didn't matter if she had just met you, if she could do anything to help you, she'd do it in a heartbeat. Even if it inconvenienced her. God, and she was so smart, and loyal, and looked for the good in everything…" she reached up, and toyed with her mother's ring.

"She sounds like a wonderful person," Castle said softly.

"She was," Beckett locked eyes with him. "You two would have got along great," she nodded again. "She would have really liked you…but there is something she wouldn't have liked."

Castle raised an eyebrow.

"She wouldn't like the way I'm living my life," Beckett told him.

Castle blinked a few times, and then said, "Let's go sit on the couch." He grabbed her hand, and she allowed him to lead her across the room to their large tan sofa.

"My therapist told me this story during my first session about what he went through after his wife died," Beckett began, pulling her feet up on the couch and sitting criss-cross facing him. "Know what got him out of his slump?"

Castle shook his head.

"A friend asked him if he would want his wife to see him like that. And I guess it got me thinking…if my mom saw how I've been acting for the past ten years…" she let out an almost incredulous laugh, and shook her head. "She'd hate it," she finished, a serious look taking over her face again. She brought her green eyes up to Castle's face. "I can't keep living like this, Cas," she almost whispered. "I can't go on with all these chains wrapped around me, this isn't living, this is hell."

Castle rubbed his thumb gently across the back of her hand, and let her continue.

"All those people who have told me that this isn't what my mother would want, they're right," Beckett said, tears cropping up in her eyes. "I've been so stuck on this that everything else has disappeared. I didn't even notice when the twenty-year-old in the mirror turned into a thirty-year-old. My life has been passing me by, and that's not what she'd want for me," she took a deep shaky breath. "I don't want to look around in ten, or twenty, or thirty years and realize that I've got nothing to show for it but grief, and tragedy, and long nights at the precinct. That's not a life."

"So what are you going to do?" Castle asked.

"I'm…I'm still going to catch my mother's killer," Beckett told him, resolve firming her eyes. "But I'm not going to put my life on hold in the mean time any more. I'm still going to stay late, and I'm still going to be the kind of Detective that I've always prided myself on being, but…I'm going to say yes when Espo and Ryan ask me if I want to go with them to get a drink after work. I'm going to spend more time with Lanie. I don't want to fight you any more. I want a life. One that doesn't just take place at the twelfth."

Castle smiled. "That sounds more like the kind of life you deserve."

Beckett looked at their intertwined hands. "Dr. Greene has been talking about this new kind of treatment for PTSD…"

"Oh?"

"It's called EMDR. It's basically thinking about whatever you went through while something else is going on, like following his finger with my eyes. It's supposed to help neutralize everything. I would still remember, but…"

"But it wouldn't hurt anymore," Castle finished.

"Right," Beckett said.

"Are you going to go for it?" Castle eyed her, careful hope springing up in him.

Beckett shrugged. "It's worth a shot, right?"

"Yeah," Castle nodded enthusiastically. "Absolutely."

Beckett looked away, and then said, "I'm done with this, Rick. I'm done with nightmares, and getting two hours of sleep, and hating the world, and wanting to die. I don't want to hurt anymore, and I'm sick of hurting other's too. I'm done."

"I've never been so happy to hear anyone say that they're done with anything in my life," he squeezed her hand. "Well, maybe once when Alexis was potty training, but still."

Beckett laughed and shook her head.

Castle wrapped his arms around her, rubbing small circles on her back as she rested her head on his shoulder.

"You know what my mom would have liked the most about you?" Beckett asked after a while.

"Hmm?"

"The way you take care of me."

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	19. Shake It Off

**You all, as per usual, are awesome.**

**_Disclaimer: I do not own Castle, ABC, or any of it's affiliates. _**

**Enjoy!**

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><p>Day 36: Castle heard the front door shut from his position on the couch, and then nothing.<p>

Curious, he lifted his head from his laptop to find Beckett standing at the door with tears in her eyes. He hurriedly sat down the laptop and was at her side in an instant. "Kate, are you okay? What's wrong?"

Beckett pressed her lips together in an effort not to cry, shook her head, and then a sob broke free.

Castle wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close. "Shh," he soothed, stroking her hair. "Hey, you're okay."

Beckett let loose, wrapping her arms around his neck and bawling.

Feeling his heart break in his chest, Castle scooped her up bridal style, and carried her to the bedroom, so that if any one else got home, she wouldn't feel exposed. He sat down on the bed with her, leaning back on the pillows and letting her curl into him, his arms still tightly locked around her.

Beckett cried into his chest, soaking his shirt.

Castle rubbed small circles on her back, and murmured words of comfort.

After what felt like an eternity, after Beckett's bawling had morphed into weeping, her weeping turned into simple crying, and her crying subsided into hiccups and sniffles, Beckett turned her tear-stained face up to Castle. "Please don't make me go back there, Rick," she said, her voice strained and watery.

"Go where? To Dr. Greene's office?" Castle asked, eyebrows knit together in concern.

Beckett nodded weakly.

"Kate," Castle brought his hand up to the left side of her face, and gently brushed away the tears on her cheeks with his thumb. "I don't think that's such a good idea, I mean – "

"No, Rick, please," Beckett shook her head emphatically, fresh tears cropping up in her eyes. "Please, please, I can't do it, I can't, Rick, please, don't make me go back there." Desperation clung to her every syllable, and she seemed to be on the verge of breaking down again.

"Okay, okay," Castle conceded gently, pulling her close again. "I'll see what I can do, okay?"

Beckett nodded against him. "Thank you."

"Anything for you," he told her earnestly. Some silence passed between the two before he asked, "Can I ask what happened?"

Beckett swallowed hard, playing with the damp fabric of his t-shirt. "It was the EMDR."

"The PTSD treatment?"

Beckett nodded again, and was silent for a moment, collecting her words. "He made me relive everything, Cas," she whispered. "My mom's murder, my dad drinking, shooting Coonan, Royce's murder, Montgomery's murder, the shooting, everything. I couldn't handle it. It was…it was too much." To her dismay, a few tears began to fall again.

"Oh, Kate," he began rubbing the space between her shoulder blades again. "I'm so sorry…"

"I can't do it, not like this," she sniffed heavily. "I want to get treatment, but…God, no one ever said it would be this hard."

"What did you do?"

"Cried…begged him to stop bringing things up, and recounting details to make me remember until he let me leave," Beckett shook her head and sat up, wiping her face with her palms. "I'm not strong enough for that."

Castle opened his mouth, closed it, opened it, and then closed it again.

Beckett scanned his face. "What is it?"

"I…I've been looking into this EMDR thing," Castle began. "And I just think…I don't know, maybe if you kept going, you _would_ be strong enough to get through it."

"No, no," Beckett shook her head furtively. "Castle, you don't understand, I _can't_, that was too much."

"You _can_, though," Castle told her gently, hating to have to be the one to say it. "From what I've read, a lot of patients have this reaction initially. In that way, EMDR is similar to submersion therapy, it's still fresh, and so when you relive it, it's going to hurt."

Beckett said nothing.

"And if you continue…that's where the neutrality comes in. It's not an overnight treatment, Kate," Castle tried gently. "It's not going to be immediate. You have to have a little faith."

"What is making me go through all that again going to do? How am I supposed to have faith in…in pain? In going over, and over, and over everything that's ever happened to me?" she looked away. "Everything that haunts me? Hell, I do that every night anyway."

"But this is a trained professional," Castle said. "He can do things that you can't do yourself. He can perform the treatment the way it needs to be done. I'm not asking you to put faith in pain, I'm asking you to put faith in that better life you were talking about last week."

"I don't think it's that easy anymore," Beckett lay back down, and curled into a ball, bringing her knees up to her chest. "Maybe this is all life is. Maybe this is just as good as it gets, how it's supposed to be for me."

"It isn't," Castle said firmly, causing her to look up, almost startled at the abrupt change in his tone. "You are…" he shook his head, flustered to the point of almost not being able to speak. "You are _extraordinary_, and you deserve a life equal to that. But you aren't going to get it if you give up. This isn't what life is. Life is all the things you said earlier. Life is the good times, and, yes, the bad too. It's friends, and family, and those who love you, and making the best out of every day because you realize that life is…short."

Beckett laughed darkly. "On the contrary, life drags on."

Castle locked eyes with her. "Don't lose another ten years to this, Kate."

Beckett looked away. "And just what do you propose I do, Rick?" She got up from the bed, and walked over to the wall, leaning against it, arms wrapped around her torso. "I can't wave a magic wand and make this better."

"Neither can I," Castle said. "But I can help, your therapist can help, Romanzi can help, Alexis and my mother can try and help, the team would help if you let them…we're all Team Beckett. We're all doing everything we can, but we need you to help us out."

Again, Beckett had no response.

Castle sat on the edge of the bed. "Just give it one more try," he softened his voice. "Please. For me."

Beckett's mind spun, weighing risks against benefits. What she really wanted to do was tell him no. Tell him no, and then grab a bottle of wine and a blanket, and not move for the rest of her life. Either that, or she wanted to tell him no, and then run in front of a bus. But looking at the man in front of her, she couldn't do it. Despite those thoughts and urges, a counter-acting force was rising up in her, grabbing at her heart and swinging at her mind. Instead, softly she said, "Fine. One more."

The force was a dangerous thing. Perhaps one of the deadliest things in the world. It spoke of good, and brighter days, and all the dreams for her life that she had spoken of the other day. She was guarded against it, but against her will, it invaded again, beginning to fill her up.

The force was hope.

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	20. I Miss You

**You all know the drill. I'm sorry I haven't posted, I've been sick, I've been busy with school, I'm a lazy person sometimes, blah, blah, blah. This chapter is twice as long to make up for it. This is my writer's equivalent of buying you all chocolates for forgetting your birthday. I hope you enjoy. **

**I see some have you have caught on to the fact that each chapter is a song title...hehe.**

**Happy (early) St. Patrick's Day, everyone! I feel fairly entitled to say so, being about 95% Irish. Stay safe, you guys. **

**_Disclaimer: I do not own Castle, ABC, or any of it's affiliates. _**

**Enjoy!**

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><p>Day 37: It late in the afternoon around four, and Castle and Beckett were seated in the living room; Castle rehashing the day's top stories, and Beckett listening to him contentedly. Castle had just dove into his musings on why the people of New York like hot dogs so much, when there was a knock at the door.<p>

Castle stopped short, and furrowed his eyebrows at the door.

Beckett glanced at him, and then looked back at the door. Standing up, she asked, "Were we expecting company?"

Castle shook his head.

Beckett shrugged and went to the door, considering briefly how strange it was that she was so comfortable answering the door at someone else's house. She peeked through the peephole, furrowed her own eyebrows, and then hastily unlocked the door and opened it. "Dad?"

"Hi there, sweetheart," Jim Beckett said softly.

"What are you doing here?" Beckett asked.

Jim chuckled. "Well, I wanted to talk to you, and I guess I was hoping I could come in."

"Oh, right, of course," Beckett said, shaking off her shock. "Please," she stepped aside, and opened the door wider.

Castle stood. "I'll um…I'll leave you two too it, then."

"No, Rick," Jim said, walking further into the loft. "You stay."

Obediently, Castle stayed put.

Jim walked over to him, and shook his hand. "Nice to see you again,"

Castle nodded. "You too," A moment of silence passed and then he added. "I'm sorry."

Jim looked at him curiously.

"About the thing," Castle elaborated vaguely. "I tried. Believe me I tried. But…" he dropped his voice to a whisper. "But she wouldn't listen to me, and then all this happened, and I'm…I'm sorry."

Jim smiled softly at the younger man. "It's alright, Rick. You tried. I understand. You're taking care of her…that's all I could ever ask for."

Castle smiled a bit and nodded.

When the two men broke their hushed conversation, they turned to find Beckett, arms crossed, eyebrows raised, looking expectant.

The men glanced at each other, but said nothing.

Beckett waited.

She was met with more silence.

Anger touched her features, and she nodded slowly. "So, what, I don't get to know? After everything that's happened people are still keeping secrets from me?"

"Kate, it's not like that," Castle began.

"No, the _hell_ it isn't, Castle," Beckett snapped, voice rising.

Castle closed his mouth.

"You lied to me," Beckett stated at the duo.

"It wasn't like that," Castle said.

"Oh, no?" Beckett chuckled darkly. "Then why don't you tell me how it was, Rick? Tell me."

"I was trying to protect you."

"I don't need you to protect me!"

"Oh, come on," Castle said, clearly annoyed. "You do. Because you're not very good at doing it yourself, that's for sure."

"I'm a big girl, Rick. I can handle myself!"

"And I'm not allowed to help you? Keep you safe? Keep you _alive?_"

"It's _my_ life!" Beckett said, volume inching ever higher.

"But you're not the only one it touches!" Castle matched her, decibel for decibel.

"Then why don't you just walk away? Why not just eliminate the problem, and let me sort it out by myself?"

"Because I care about you!"

"Funny way of showing it," Beckett scoffed. "Making secret pacts with my dad…"

"_Katherine Beckett!_" Jim finally shouted over the top of them.

Beckett stopped, and looked at her father, shocked.

"Now, I didn't come over here to watch a shouting match, and I certainly didn't come over here to explain any of this, but if you got off of your high horse for a minute, missy, I will," Jim said calmly, having gotten her attention. "But first, you have to stop shouting. Now, sit."

Beckett nodded sheepishly, and took a seat.

Castle stood there, silent and awkward, watching one of the strongest people he'd ever met get lectured by her father.

Jim raised an eyebrow at Beckett.

Castle could see where she got it from.

"Are you going to apologize now?" Jim asked.

"That's really not necessary," Castle began. "I-"

"No, he's right," Beckett cut him off, looking down at her hands. "I'm sorry, Rick," She looked back up at him. "I guess it's all just still fresh," she admitted in a whisper.

"I was never mad," Castle told her.

Beckett scooted over on the couch, bit her lip, looked up at him, and then patted the seat next to her.

Castle smiled gently, and sat down.

Satisfied, Jim took a seat across from them. "I uh…I found these when I was cleaning out the attic," he said, pulling a small bundle of photos from the inside pocket of his jacket, and laying them on the coffee table.

Beckett clenched her jaw as her mother's face stared up at her. She picked them up, and tried to undo the rubber band holding them together, only to find that her hands were trembling so bad that she couldn't.

"Here, let me," Castle said softly, gently taking the pictures from her and taking off the rubber band, and then handing them back to her.

"Thank you," Beckett whispered, flipping through them. The photos weren't from some forgotten occasion, as she had expected. Instead, they were a collection of moments ranging from when she was a baby, up to when she was eighteen. The photos were representative of her entire life with her mom. They were her sitting on her mom's shoulders to put the star on top of the Christmas tree when she was five, and laughing at penguins with her mom when she was eight, and her mom setting her thirteenth birthday cake in front of her, and burning sparklers with her mom at the Fourth of July picnic when she was sixteen.

Beckett looked at them, twenty-one of pictures in total, each photo bringing up a fresh wave of memories. She fought against the lump in her throat, and the tears welling in her eyes. She remembered everything. The scent of her mom's perfume, her laugh, her hug, her voice. When she had finished looking through the stack, she sat them gingerly on the table, and rubbed her hands on her thighs. She cleared her throat, trying to solidify her voice, and said, "Um, thanks for bringing those by, Dad." She gave her best attempt at a smile.

Jim didn't smile. "I thought you might want them some day," he told her.

Beckett looked up, surprised to see tears of his own in her father's eyes. She took a deep breath. "I'm sure I will."

Castle reached over, and silently took her hand. He rubbed his thumb across it's back.

Jim nodded. A moment of silence passed before he asked, "How have you been, Katie?"

Beckett thought for a moment before answering. "I've been okay," she nodded. "I'm um…I've been going to treatment like the doctors told me to. Taking all my meds. Getting check ups. That kind of thing."

"Good," Jim smiled gently. "I'm glad to hear it. I was afraid you wouldn't. You can be awfully stubborn, you know."

"Yeah, well, Rick's made sure that that's not an option," she shot him a small side smile.

He squeezed her hand in response.

Jim took a deep breath. "So, I suppose you want to know what we were talking about."

Beckett hesitated. "Yes," she said, even though a part of her didn't want to know, for fear it would be yet another betrayal she couldn't handle.

"Before Captain Montgomery was killed, I…I came to see Rick, here," Jim began.

Beckett sat up straighter.

"I asked him to make you stop chasing this thing," Jim told her quietly. "I asked him to convince you that your life is worth more than your mother's death. I asked him to not let me lose you to this case too."

Beckett looked at Castle. "That's what possessed you to come to my apartment that night, isn't it?"

Castle nodded somberly. "That…along with the fact that Montgomery asked me to do the same thing," he locked eyes with her. "And I would have done it anyway."

Beckett nodded yet again, unable to formulate a response.

"Rick here was apologizing, because he thinks he broke his promise because you got shot," Jim said, voice breaking on the last word.

Castle looked down.

"But he didn't, and I was letting him know that," Jim finished. "So, before you freak out, you should take into consideration that we just didn't want to lose someone that we love."

Beckett nodded once more, ashamed at her outburst.

The trio chatted for a bit after that about lighter subjects. Jim talked about the fishing he had been doing this summer, and asked about Castle's latest book. Beckett told him a bit about her treatments, and how they were going, and about her therapist. Castle invited him up to the Hamptons, and Jim laughed, and said he would think about it. Beckett thought about how a beach vacation might be nice.

Beckett almost forgot about the photos on the table in front of her, being there with two of her favorite men. Being there with her family.

Almost.

Eventually, after a good two hours, her dad stood to leave, politely declining Castle's invitation for dinner. He shook Castle's hand and told him to take care of Beckett, and gave Beckett a big hug, and told her he loved her.

Beckett walked him to the door, and then he left.

Castle left the room for a few moments to start some water boiling for pasta, and returned to find Beckett on the couch with the photos, tears streaming down her face. "Kate…" he whispered softly, going over and sitting by her on the couch. He put an arm around her shoulders, and kissed the top of her head.

"She was collecting these right before she died," Beckett informed him. "She um," she palmed away her tears, only to have them replaced by fresh ones. "She said she was going to make me a scrapbook. So that I could keep it at college for…" her voice wavered, and she took a deep breath. "For when I got homesick."

Castle rubbed her arm gently. "That sounds nice."

Beckett nodded, shutting her eyes tight as her tears flowed heavier.

Castle said nothing, but felt his heart break for her. He hated seeing her cry. He hated how frequent it had become. Most of all, he hated that he couldn't do anything about it.

Beckett looked at him, eyes red, face drained of color. "I miss my mom, Rick," she half-whispered, voice watery.

"I know," Castle told her. "I'm so sorry, Kate."

Beckett pulled her legs up on the couch, and up to her chest.

Castle wrapped both arms around her, and let her rest her head on his shoulder. "But you know what?" he asked.

"Hm?" A sniffle.

"She'd be so proud of how hard you're working to get through all this," Castle said. "She'd be so proud of the way you're picking your life up, how strong you've been, how hard you're fighting."

Beckett looked up at him.

"I know I am," he told her with a soft smile.

Beckett wiped away the tears on her cheeks again, the flow slowing down. "Thank you, Rick," she whispered.

Castle became increasingly aware of how close their faces were. "I love you," slipped out before he could catch it. He didn't take it back.

Beckett smiled softly and brought her hand up to his cheek. She tilted her head, and planted a light kiss on his lips.

He wiped the remaining tears off of her face.

Nothing more needed to be said.

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	21. What If

**You all know the drill. I'm sorry I haven't posted, I've been sick, I've been busy with school, I'm a lazy person sometimes, blah, blah, blah. This chapter is twice as long to make up for it. This is my writer's equivalent of buying you all chocolates for forgetting your birthday. I hope you enjoy. **

**Thanks again. You all rock.**

**_Disclaimer: I do not own Castle, ABC, or any of it's affiliates. _**

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><p>Night 39: "Cas?"<p>

"Hmm?"

"You awake?"

"Am now."

"Oh."

Castle opened one eye and peered at Beckett next to him. "Oh?"

She bit her lip. "Never mind."

"Oh, no you don't," Castle said, rolling onto his side and propping himself up with his elbow. "You have to tell me now."

"It's late," Beckett stared at ceiling, studiously avoiding eye contact. "What time is it anyway?"

"Does it matter?"

"Kinda, yeah."

"Why?"

"I don't want to keep you up," Beckett glanced at him. "You need your sleep."

"Why? Because I have somewhere to be in the morning?" Castle cast her a skeptical look.

Beckett looked away.

"Hey," Castle said in a softer voice, trying to call her attention back to him. "What is it?"

She pressed her lips together, and shook her head.

Castle reached a hand out and turned her face toward him, forcing her to look at him. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing's really wrong," Beckett looked down at her hands. "I'm just…thinking."

Castle sat up in bed. "Come on, let's talk."

Beckett hesitated for a moment, and then followed suit, sitting Indian Style across from him. She raked a hand through her hair, and blew a breath through her lips. "I just remembered something Montgomery told me…"

He eyed her carefully. "Which was?"

"It was, um…it was right before he told me the quote I used at his funeral. The one about making your stand. He said, 'We speak for the dead. That's the job. We are all they've got once the wicked rob them of their voices. We owe them that. But we don't owe them our lives'," Beckett shook her head slowly. "And I just keep thinking…God, what if I'd listened? To him? To you? To…everyone?" She locked eyes with him and whispered, "God, Rick, would he still be here?"

"Oh, Kate," Castle took her hand. "No," he said, shaking his head. "No, he wouldn't. Lockwood was out for blood, and you know that. He was on a warpath, he was going to kill everyone connected to that case and you know it."

"He could have been at home. He _should_ have been at home. With his family," Beckett blinked viciously at the tears brimming up in her eyes. "It should have been me."

"But that's not what he wanted," Castle reminded her. "He wanted to protect you, Kate."

"I should have listened to you," Beckett whispered. "That night, at my loft, I should have listened to you. I should have backed down, I should have let it go, I should have listened to the countless people before who told me I needed to move on. I should have let it go so long ago, but I didn't, and now look…"

Castle sighed. "I'm the one who brought it all back out again, remember?" He hadn't wanted to remind her. He didn't want to think about it any more than absolutely necessary, but it looked like now it was. "If it wasn't for me, none of this would have happened."

Beckett blinked at him for a moment. "Rick, don't do that."

"No, no, you want to blame someone, let's put blame where blame is due, shall we?" He grimaced. "If it wasn't for me, Montgomery would still be alive, you never would have been shot, no one connected to the case would be dead. I have about five deaths on my hands."

"I wasn't over it," Beckett stated.

Castle brought his eyes up to meet hers.

"I may have told you I was, but I wasn't by any stretch of the imagination," Beckett confessed. "I did the therapy course, but all I learned from it was how to lie to a therapist. I was still obsessed. I looked at her case file at least once a week just…hoping. Waiting for something, anything, that I hadn't caught before."

"I was the one who brought it to a different M.E."

"And I was about two days away from getting Lanie to look at it for me."

Castle had no response.

Beckett squeezed his hand. "Believe me. Nothing that happened here is your fault. Not one thing."

Castle thought for a moment, and then said. "If I'm not allowed to blame myself, then you aren't either."

"Ri-"

"No, let me finish," Castle cut her off. "Let's make a pact. You aren't allowed to beat yourself up over this any more, and I'll do my best to do the same. This is no one's fault, but the man who ordered the hit on your mother. He's the bad guy."

"Yeah," Beckett said, unconvinced. "He is."

"And we're going to catch him, Kate," Castle told her. "I promise you that. Ryan and Esposito are working this case on overtime, along with other detectives. We have more people on this case than the first time. That's more brains, more people to run down leads, more power to do it with since the NYPD is backing the investigation. We're going to get him. If there's anything I've learned in my time at the twelfth it's that the detectives there always get their man."

There was a beat of silence, and then Beckett asked. "And what if they don't? What if we just have to keep this guilt forever?"

"They will."

"But what if they don't?"

"They will."

"You're not answering the question."

"Kate," Castle scooted forward on the bed, and put his hands on either side of her face. "They will. Sooner or later, they will. But in the mean time, we have to focus on being okay. Knowing that there's nothing more we can do right now except wait, and get you healed."

Beckett searched his face. "I'm not the priority."

"You are to me."

Beckett fell silent once more.

"You can't keep blaming yourself for circumstances outside your control, and spinning 'what if' questions until three in the morning. That's not healing. That's torturing yourself. Listen, you really want to try and live the life your mother wanted for you?"

She nodded.

"Then try and get some sleep," he smoothed her hair. "This isn't doing any good."

Beckett nodded again.

"Come on," Castle laid back down, and pulled her down with him.

"You shouldn't have to keep doing this," Beckett said, laying her head on his chest. "It's not fair to you."

"Why don't you let me decide that, okay?" Castle looked down at her. "Besides, you've been better lately."

"Mm."

"We'll get you there."

The duo fell silent, leaving Beckett to her thoughts. It seemed to her that he had a way of putting things that just made sense. For the first time in what felt like ages, she didn't feel sick to her stomach with guilt.

_The man who wanted to murder my mother is the bad guy,_ she repeated to herself as her eyes drifted shut.

_He's the bad guy._

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	22. Fear

**So, sorry I left the beginning of the last a/n at the top of the last chap? Weird. Anyway, rock on, loyal readers. Rock on. **

**_Disclaimer: I do not own Castle, ABC, or any of it's affiliates. _**

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><p>Day 40: Beckett sat on the little blue couch in Dr. Greene's office, and he sat across from her, reading a book.<p>

The two of them had grown accustomed to doing this dance every Monday, when she didn't have to go through EMDR. Beckett was not the type of person who could sit down, open her mouth, and spill her guts. No matter how many sessions she did.

So, Dr. Greene would sit, read, and wait, and Beckett would stare out the window, sorting her thoughts and biding her time until she was ready to speak.

"My dad came over on Saturday," Beckett said finally.

Dr. Greene marked his place and sat the book aside. "Is that so?"

Beckett simply nodded.

"And how did that go?" Dr. Greene asked casually.

"It went…okay," Beckett bit her lip and looked out the window again, pausing for a moment before speaking again. "He brought over all these photos of my mom."

"What kind of photos?"

"Photos of…of everything," Beckett said almost incredulously. "It was my whole childhood. I guess he found them while he was cleaning out the attic."

"It must have been nice to see those memories again," Dr. Greene said gently.

Beckett thought for a moment. "…yeah. Yeah, I guess it was. There were some things I hadn't thought about in years."

"I'm sensing a 'but'," Dr. Greene stated.

Beckett nodded slowly. "But…it just brought it all back out. Everything that I don't really let myself think about. It was like the night she was killed all over again, and I just…"

"It made you miss your mom," Dr. Greene finished.

Beckett fell silent once more.

Dr. Greene waited.

"Castle actually helped me through something last night…" Beckett offered after what felt like an eternity.

"Oh?" Dr. Greene looked interested. "And what would that be?"

"Well, I couldn't fall asleep, and I got to thinking about Montgomery, and I started thinking about what would have happened if I had backed down. About if he would have ever…" she swallowed hard. "If he would still be here. And, ah…he just had a way of putting it that made me feel like…" she lifted her eyes from her hands and locked them onto her therapist's chocolate colored ones. "Like I wasn't the bad guy."

"Well, that's because you aren't," Dr. Greene agreed calmly, shifting his position slightly. "And you never have been, Detective."

Beckett nodded once. "But that's not what it's felt like until now. And I didn't even realize it was wrong until he pointed it out."

"And how do you feel now?"

"I feel…" Beckett thought for a moment. How did she feel? She wasn't sure. It was so different from what she had gotten used to feeling. It wasn't pain. It wasn't exactly grief (although she still had plenty of that). It wasn't sadness or anger. But it wasn't peace just yet either. She shook her head and searched for a word. "I feel like this could be something good. The way I should be headed."

Dr. Greene smiled at her, his eyes crinkling at the edges as he did so. "I would tend to agree, Detective. What do you think you need to do to get you all the way to wherever it is you're headed?"

"I-" Beckett closed her mouth, realizing she couldn't answer him. Instead, she searched his face for an answer, and whispered, "I don't know."

"May I make a suggestion?"

Beckett sat back in her seat and lifted a hand before letting it fall again.

"You need to let go of your mother, Detective," Dr. Greene

Beckett felt her breath catch in her throat. "What?"

Dr. Greene rubbed the bridge of his nose and leaned forward so that his forearms were resting on his knees. "Hear me out," he urged gently. "Your whole existence since your mother's death has revolved around her. You became a detective for her, you wear her ring, you go over her case, you use it as an excuse…" he paused for a moment, collecting his thoughts. "In order to forgive yourself for not being there that night, get past everything that's happened in recent events, and get to the life you were telling me just the other day that you want to live, you need to let go of your mother. Not forget. Just move on."

Beckett's throat felt dry, and when she spoke her voice sounded raw and rough. "And just how do you suppose I do that?"

"I want you to go to your mother's grave," Dr. Greene told her. "I want you to have a heart to heart with her. The sole issue in your life lies with her. You need to tell her what you've told me: that it's time for you to start living again."

Tears pricked the backs of Beckett's eyes. "I haven't been to her grave since the day of the funeral. I couldn't deal."

"Then it sounds to me like this visit is long overdue."

His words hung heavy in the air between them as Beckett's mind swirled. Could she really do that? Go back to her mother's grave and say that she was…_letting go?_ It didn't seem right, somehow. "I don't want to let her down," Beckett whispered.

"Is that what you think you would be doing? Because from what you've told me about the life she would want you to have, I think you would be making her proud," Dr. Greene said.

Beckett twisted her mouth up to the side, and said nothing.

"She would want you to have the life you've told me about," Dr. Greene said. "That life you talked about last Monday. With Castle, and your friends, and being with them. Not just at the bar and at the precinct. That _real_ life that you spun for me sitting in that very same seat."

Beckett squirmed uncomfortably.

"And in order to get that, you need to address this problem directly. That's the only way you'll be able to find peace," Dr. Greene informed her.

Beckett said nothing still for a moment more, and then said, "Yeah…I guess that makes sense."

"Another but?"

"I just need to feel like I'm not letting her down somehow by doing that. I've convinced myself that in order to do the right thing I need to…well, obsess, I guess. How do I get over that?" Beckett asked. "Because I've heard a lot of people tell me I need to let go, but no one's ever told me exactly how."

"You need to realize that what's holding you back isn't the fear of doing the wrong thing for her, it's the fear of moving on. Of letting go of that barrier that you've used for so long," Dr. Greene observed. "It's got next to nothing to do with your mother's murder."

Beckett considered that.

"So, Detective?"

"I'll have Castle take me out tomorrow."

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	23. I'm Sorry

**This one speaks for itself. **

**_Disclaimer: I do not own Castle, ABC, or any of it's affiliates._**

**Enjoy.**

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><p>Day 41: Castle's car slowed to a stop, and he turned off the engine. He sat in silence for a moment before turning to Beckett and asking, "Are you sure you want to do this?"<p>

Beckett took a deep breath, and forced herself to look outside. "Yeah…I am."

"Because if being in a cemetery again is too much, we can always do this another time. I'll call Dr. Greene myself and-"

"Rick, no," Beckett said gently. She forced a small smile. "I'll be okay. That's not the most upsetting part."

Castle looked at her sympathetically, reached out, and squeezed her hand.

Beckett took a deep breath and squeezed back, and then got out of the car. She forced herself to walk along the path, gravel crunching beneath her feet. The sun shone down from a cloudless blue sky, and the green trees above her swished against each other in the soft breeze. It was a beautiful day, but it did next to nothing to calm her inner turmoil.

She wound her way along the twisted path, not surprised to learn that ten years hadn't cleared her memory of exactly how to get to her mother's grave. Time simply couldn't erase something like that. Especially not when the first time she had made this walk had played on repeat in her head for years after the fact.

The day her mom had been buried had been the exact opposite of this one. A cold January sun had provided a dim light from behind a wall of grey clouds, accompanied by the bitterest chill Beckett had ever known. An icy wind whipped at their tear-stained faces, and caused them to huddle down into their black coats.

It seemed almost impossible to Beckett now that that sun in 1999 was the same one that she felt warming her shoulders now. But perhaps that sense of distance was good.

Perhaps that winter was finally over.

She arrived at an ornate white marble headstone, and stopped walking. She was aware that it was the right grave, but found herself suddenly unable to move. Guilt had stopped her in her tracks.

"Oh, God, Mom…" Beckett whispered, tears springing up in her eyes.

Instinctively, she looked up and scanned the trees and the skyline around her. When she was sure there was no one hiding anywhere, she stuffed down her anxiety from her PTSD, and took a few steps forward.

Beckett stood to the left of the grave, careful not to step on it, and placed six pink carnations on the grave – her mother's favorite. She bit her lip and sniffed heavily, shaking her head slowly. She stooped down next to the headstone, and slowly traced the letters of her mother's name engraved in the smooth marble. Her bottom lip quivered, and tears began to brim over and make their way down her face. She let them. There was no one there to see them but her mom.

"I'm so sorry…" Beckett whispered. Shaking, her hand dropped back to her knee. "Oh, God, Mom, I'm so sorry," a sob broke free from her chest, and she collapsed down all the way into a sitting position on the ground. She clutched at the grass where her hand fell, and bawled.

She felt the sobs rock through her body, and saw nothing but vague colors as tears obscured her vision. She cried not just from grief, but also from guilt. From not being there for her that awful night, for being such a wild-child while her mom was still alive, for not having been back there since, for letting the case take over her life…

Beckett wasn't sure how long she sobbed, nor did she care. But when they had finally subsided enough for her to formulate words, she pulled her knees up to her chest, sniffed heavily, and took a few deep breaths, attempting to calm herself enough to say what she had come there to say.

"I can't do this anymore, Mom," Beckett whispered to the headstone, tears still streaming down her face. "I'm ruining my own life," she looked down at her own hands, and made an effort to speak at a normal volume. "Y-you wouldn't like who I am now," her bottom lip quivered more, and she took a moment before continuing. "I don't like who I am now either."

She took a few more deep breaths. "I'm so cold now. To everyone. I shut people out. I yell at people who care and are just trying to help. I don't go anywhere but my apartment and the precinct," she shook her head. "I just sit back and let your murder run my life."

"Mom, about two months ago, I was shot," Beckett felt herself growing a bit braver. "And it almost killed me. The same man who ordered your death ordered it. Since then, I've been assigned a therapist, and plenty of medication to deal with my medical issues, and the PTSD I've developed. If…if that shot had killed me, Mom…"

Beckett shook her head again. "I'm not ready to die," tears strained at her voice. "I have a life ahead of me, Mom…I'm only thirty-one…" she swallowed hard, and looked away from the headstone. "But I can't do that while I'm still carrying the weight of your death around with me."

"I have this life waiting for me," she whispered, playing with the end of a carnation. "I have wonderful friends. I have Esposito and Ryan," she chuckled. "You'd like them, Mom. They're Detectives too. They have this…_bromance_," she felt herself smile through her tears. These were the things her mom would want to know. Her friends. Her family. Her life. "They almost never fail to make me smile. They always have my back."

"And Lanie…well, she's my best friend," Beckett nodded, plucking strands of grass. "You'd like her too. She's a Medical Examiner. She's everything a best friend should be. She's smart, and strong, and funny, and calls me out," she bit her lip. "Just like you used to. You know, she was the first one to tell me 'told you so' after you died. You two would be peas in a pod."

She swallowed hard again. "And then there's Castle…" she shook her head, and laughed a bit. "You remember how we went into that bookstore right after Christmas? How you pointed to a book by Richard Castle and said 'Doesn't that look like a good book'? Him. He decided he was going to follow me for his latest book series. He's…something else. I was so in awe…"

"After you died, I went back and bought that book," she finally raised her eyes to the headstone. "It didn't suck like I said I thought it would. Maybe I was just blinded by grief, I don't know. But I read that book at least thirty times. It's in awful condition now, but it was my lifeline. It was like…somehow, because that was the book you picked, maybe the murder that got solved in the end almost felt like an answer for yours."

"But it wasn't. It just made me want more answers," a fresh wave of tears tumbled down her cheeks. "Reading that book, and subsequently every book after that, and thinking about your murder it…it pushed me to become a cop. It was your death, and his words," she paused a moment, collecting her thoughts. "Consequentially, I became a huge fan."

Beckett looked down at her hands. "I fell in love with him, Mom," she whispered. "And you would just love him. He's…sweet. He takes care of me. He's funny, and charming, and handsome…and he loves me too. He's saved my life. He's my partner," she cleared her throat in a vain attempt to solidify it. "I just wish you two could have met."

She sat in thought for a moment, back to pulling at the grass as tears flowed freely. "That's the life I have waiting for me, Mom," she told the headstone. "But I've used your murder as some kind of…wall. I've kept them all at bay, I've shut them all out and I don't want to any more."

Beckett swallowed hard yet again, holding back more sobs. "And to have all that, I have to let you go. I have to let your case go. I can't keep holding onto this forever, I just can't. It's going to kill me. Dad's been trying to convince me for years that my life is worth more than your death. My Captain got murdered not just because of my stubbornness but to save my life too, and…I've been given a lot that I've been too blind to see until now."

"I couldn't deal, after you died. But now…now I'm stronger. I'm older. I'm not a kid any more, and I can't keep putting my life on hold until I find your killer," she fell silent for a moment. "I will find him. I _will_ find out who ordered that hit, and when I do, I'm going to bring you the justice you deserve. But this case is…complicated. To say the least. And I'm not going to lose another ten years of my life to it. But believe me, I won't ever give up."

"I still miss you," Beckett whispered. She sniffed heavily. "And I'll always love you, Mommy. But I need to move on," another wave of hot tears rushed to the surface, and her voice came out watery. "I need to live again."

She remained in her position, and looked at the headstone, biting her lip. A gentle, warm, mid-July breeze rustled her hair, tucked behind her ears. Another sob ripped itself free, and she clamped a hand over her mouth and shut her eyes tight against the tears.

She felt as if her mom was there with her.

After a few more minutes, Beckett regained the strength to stand. She did so, and brushed grass from her legs. She stood, staring at the headstone. "Goodbye, Mom."

Slowly, she turned and began to walk away, feeling a growing hope inside her.

Katherine Beckett finally felt forgiven.

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	24. Walls

**I just have the best readers ever. You all make me happy sigh. **

**Chapter dedication to Cajun Panda, because somehow you managed to pick the most obscure thing from the last chapter, and figure out where I was going with this. I seriously don't know how you did that. Read on to see where your revelation relates! (:**

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><p>Day 45: When Beckett had suggested a weekend getaway to the Hamptons to get out of Manhattan and "actually enjoy summer", Castle had said yes in a heartbeat.<p>

Redemption for turning him down two summers ago? Possibly.

But now as they cruised easily down I-495 in the Ferrari, top down, soaking up the July sun, he had a moment of doubt. Was it too much, too soon? She had just said goodbye to her mother's case. What if what she really needed was to sit and think for a little?

Castle glanced at Beckett in the passenger seat. She seemed…relaxed. Her brown hair was tucked away in a top bun, and her green eyes were hidden behind brown aviator sunglasses. She wore white shorts and a green tank top – the most revealed he had seen her since the shooting. She wore a simple smile. By all accounts, she looked as if she were just another rich girl, enjoying the summer trips to the beach that she felt so entitled to.

The split second of doubt evaporated from his mind, and he found himself smiling as well. It was even better than he had anticipated the first time.

The rest of the drive went smoothly. Castle was surprised to find that, for as much conversation as she makes in the driver's seat of her cruiser, Beckett was not much of a car-talker in the passenger seat. She simply smiled her easy little smile, gazed around at the scenery, and sang along softly to the radio from time to time.

It was different than when he drove out with Alexis and they alternated between talking, playing the license plate game, and belting out parody versions to whatever was on the radio, but he found he didn't exactly mind.

She rode.

He drove.

And the current of peace stretched on.

A cautious air of hope had settled over life, that first day after Beckett went to her mother's grave. The day of had been filled with a few random moments of weeping, but after that…

The day after, she had gotten up with the family for breakfast. The second day, she helped Alexis with a complicated hairstyle for school. The third day, she suggested that she and Castle get out of the Upper East Side.

Which brought them to that moment.

As they pulled into the driveway of his East Hampton home, Beckett mumbled a low, "Holy shit, Cas."

Suddenly, Castle found himself embarrassed. He had brought so few people there that he often forgot that it was a rather ostentatious display of wealth, purchased on a high from his third novel. And her of all people…someone who he knew wouldn't be impressed by such things…for the first time since buying it, he felt the house was too much.

Beckett seemed to realize his discomfort, and added, "It's gorgeous."

"Mm," Castle said, frowning at the flashy beach house.

They sat in the car for a moment longer, each of them staring at the house.

"C'mon," Beckett said finally, getting out of the car and walking around to the trunk to get their bags.

Castle popped the trunk, and was there in an instant. "Let me get it," he said, swatting her hand away from her duffle.

Beckett fixed him with an amused, but stern look. "Castle, I can carry my own bag."

"Yes," Castle conceded, picking it up anyway and slinging it over his shoulder. "But you don't have to." He turned and walked toward the house, effectively ending further discussion.

Beckett rolled her eyes and closed the trunk, left with no choice but to follow him into the house.

It had been a big step for her to ask him to take her out here, and she had almost instantly regretted it. Not because she didn't think a beach vacation with Castle sounded lovely – it most certainly did – but because of what it meant. It meant the careful lines drawn years ago between muse, partner, friend, and love were getting blurred farther still, and honestly, Beckett wasn't sure how much more those little lines could take.

It seemed to her that they were smudged a little more each day with every touch, look, and conversation. They cared about each other, that much was clear. He had told her he loved her, and they had shared a small kiss. They slept in the same bed, had taken to holding hands, and were certainly no longer shy about being around the other one in a living situation on a day-to-day basis.

And yet, they hadn't discussed what exactly they were. Leaving Beckett to wonder, and turn her thoughts over in her mind, and stare at where those thick lines used to be, and wonder some more at where they went.

As she followed Castle around the house, receiving the grand tour (which she discovered takes up a significantly larger amount of time when conducted by a writer), she was taken aback at how natural it felt. It wasn't strange at all to be in East Hampton with her favorite writer/partner/friend. She didn't feel nervous; as she would have, had she accepted his invitation two years ago. She didn't feel self-conscious, or awkward.

Being with Castle in the Hamptons was easy, simple, free.

But that fact posed a whole new set of problems.

Beckett had told her mother that she had a life waiting for her. One that involved family, friends and Castle. At the time she had been so sure that that was what she wanted, and that that life was worth having to say goodbye. But as she stood there, she realized that it wasn't enough to simply say that she wanted that life. She had to act on it too.

And that was a truly terrifying thought.

She was forced to focus when she realized that Castle had stopped talking, and was looking at her expectantly. "Oh," she shook her head. "Sorry, what?"

Castle looked slightly uncomfortable. "I uh, I said we have guest bedrooms here, if you want. I wasn't sure because…" he opened and closed his mouth. "Well, you get it. You're welcome to sleep wherever."

"Oh, right," Beckett nodded. She hadn't thought of that. Now she understood why he was acting awkward. "I'll um…I'll just…" Beckett took her bag from Castle, and tossed it on the bed in the guest bedroom directly behind them.

"Right," Castle nodded once. "So, that's that, then," he began walking again, continuing on with his tour.

If Beckett didn't know better, she would have sworn he looked a bit hurt.

But what was she supposed to do? Invite herself into his bedroom when there was plenty of free space? She was just sure that that would spur a conversation about what they meant to each other – and she wasn't sure she was ready to have that talk.

For as much as Beckett liked to say that she wanted the life waiting for her, she still had a few walls in the way.

* * *

><p>The stiffness from their earlier encounter quickly faded, and the summery ease from earlier reclaimed the rest of the day. The duo spent time walking along the beach, strolling along the streets in town, and grabbing dinner at a place that Castle swore had the best seafood he had ever eaten.<p>

They had returned home, lounged around for a bit, and then adjourned – albeit, a bit awkwardly – to their separate rooms.

Beckett quickly found, however, that she couldn't sleep.

She rolled over in the large bed and looked at the clock. Red numbers proclaimed that it was 2:36 in the morning, and she hadn't gotten any sleep.

Beckett sighed and sat up in bed, looking around the room. Truth be told, she had known this was going to happen. Not only was her mind spinning a million miles an hour, but she also didn't have Castle next to her to quiet it. The combination of factors created prime conditions for a sleepless night.

Guilt began to seep into her mind. She had told her mom about how great Castle was. How in love with him she was. She had used that as a justification for saying goodbye. But she wasn't ready to face what that entailed, and now she felt like a liar. She was stuck in limbo; too far to turn back, but too scared to go forward.

But Beckett recognized that she needed to move forward, take that next step, before she could move on.

It was something that she and Dr. Greene had dabbled with in their sessions. Mostly, they had focused on EMDR, the shooting, her mom, and Montgomery, but Castle had managed to worm his way into the discussion at least once a week. Dr. Greene was under the opinion that dealing with her issues with Castle was just as crucial to her recovery as anything else.

She hated it when he was right.

Beckett shook her head. She couldn't sit here anymore. She needed to do something. Needed to talk to him about swung her legs off the bed, and gently padded down the hall and to his bedroom door. She hesitated for just a moment before she quietly opened his door, and peeked her head inside. To her surprise, he wasn't asleep.

Instead, Castle sat in very much the same position she had been in moments earlier. He gave her an amused little smile, and said, "Hey."

"Hey yourself," Beckett replied, coming the rest of the way into the room, but stopping just inside the doorway. "Couldn't sleep either?"

"Nah," Castle shook his head. "Must be a beach thing."

"Or something else," Beckett said seriously.

Castle locked eyes with her, not missing her meaning. "Kate, we don't have to do this tonight," he told her gently.

"We're going to have to do it sometime, Rick," Beckett said softly. "We're alone, neither of us can sleep…"

Castle considered her for a moment, and then nodded. "Here, let's go out on the balcony. Maybe some fresh air will help."

Beckett followed him to the French doors in his bedroom, and out onto a small wooden balcony, overlooking the private stretch of beach that came with the house.

For a moment, neither of them spoke. They simply looked out onto the Atlantic, dark under the inky black sky.

"Lot of stars out," Beckett offered after a while.

"Mmm," Castle agreed, peering up at the sky himself. "Clear night."

"What are we doing, Rick?" Beckett asked in a quieter voice.

Castle opened his mouth, closed it, and then shook his head. "I have no idea."

She looked at him. "Don't you think it's about time we knew?"

Castle considered his words carefully. "I don't want to push you to have this conversation before you're ready," he said after a moment. "We have all the time in the world, and I'm not going anywhere, so if you want to have this conversation six months from now, or six years from now, we can have it then."

Beckett locked eyes with him. "I'm ready to have it now."

Castle thought for another moment, and then simply nodded. "Well, why don't you start by telling me what's on your mind."

Beckett bit her lip. "May I be frank?"

Castle chuckled, "By all means, please do."

"You've said you love me," Beckett began; suddenly unsure of where she was going with this. "More than once. And the thing of it is, I actually believe you. I believe you, because you've shown me and…and I told my mom that I was in love with you too," she looked at her hands, unable to hold eye contact anymore.

"You did?" Castle whispered incredulously.

Beckett nodded, and glanced up at him. "Yeah, I did," she swallowed hard, trying to gather her bravery. "And I meant it."

"Kate, I-"

"Please, let me get this all out right now, or there's a chance it's never going to come out," Beckett interrupted.

Castle closed his mouth and nodded once.

"Being here with you today was…great," Beckett told him. "And it showed me…what the life that I have waiting for me looks like, and I like it. I want that life with you, Rick." She finally raised her eyes to his. "I think I'm ready."

Another moment of silence passed between the two, and then Castle said, "I want you to be sure, Kate," he said seriously. "Because if…if we try this…" he shook his head. His mother was right. He really did have a hard time finding words when it counted. "If we try this, I'm in it for the long haul. I would be done with stepping around each other, and playing games. You wouldn't be able to change your mind in a few days, and then try and push me away. You're…it. For me," he searched her face. "I want to be that for you, too."

Beckett nodded. "I know," she said softly.

"Do you?" Castle asked, all hints of his usually playful manner gone from his face. "I need you to understand what you're getting into."

"I do," Beckett urged softly. She reached out and took his hand, intertwining their fingers. "I want all of that. I'm not scared anymore."

Castle searched her face. "Really?"

Beckett smiled at him, and took a step closer. "Always."

A smile returned to Castle's face, and he put his free hand on the side of her face. "I love you, Kate."

An uncharacteristic flush crept up Beckett's cheeks. "I love you too, Rick."

Castle kissed her, and his words from a few weeks ago echoed in Beckett's head.

_"I promise you, Katherine Beckett. When we kiss, it will be spectacular."_

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><p><strong>Review!<strong>


	25. Brand New Day

**School slowed my roll. But this one's super long to make up for it! Seriously, my longest yet. All places and events mentioned are real.**

**Also, why did no one tell me "grief" was spelled "greif" in the summary before now? :P I just noticed it...**

**_Disclaimer: I do not own Castle, ABC, or any of it's affiliates._**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

><p>Day 46: When Beckett awoke the next morning, Castle was gone.<p>

She stretched in the spacious bed and then sat up, got out from underneath the crisp, white sheets, and pulled her knees to her chest.

It didn't take long before the previous night's events came flooding back to her. Had it really been her that had come in here last night, dropped her guard, and told him how she felt? Had it really been her who addressed the question of what had been building between them for four years? And had she really done it _first_? It didn't seem real.

But it was real. She realized that as she made her way downstairs and into the kitchen where Castle stood at the stove, making breakfast and whistling a happy little tune.

Beckett smiled. Castle loved breakfast.

_Her_ Castle loved breakfast.

Castle turned from the stove upon hearing her footsteps and smiled, "Hey, you."

Beckett shot him an easy smile, and for a moment couldn't remember why that simple act had been so hard before. She took a seat in one of the stools on one side of the countertop. "Hey yourself, handsome," came out of Beckett's mouth, and then she felt herself flush. Did she really just say that?

An amused smile played on Castle's mouth, one eyebrow quirked toward the sky. "Someone's flirty this morning," he observed, sitting a cup of coffee down in front of her.

"I'm just in a good mood, I guess," she muttered, sipping her coffee greedily, attempting to save face.

Castle chuckled, shook his head, and went back to his cooking.

Then Beckett realized her answer hadn't just been an excuse for her uncharacteristic quip. It was the truth. She _was_ in a good mood – the best one she'd been in in a while. But why? What had changed other than her relationship status?

Maybe, just maybe, she was starting to finally move on.

It seemed the past two weeks had found her hurtling towards a finish line she never thought she'd reach. It started with realizing her mother wouldn't want another ten years of sadness, moved to trying another PTSD treatment (which was working), progressed to her saying goodbye, and now, found her in a relationship with one Richard Castle.

Beckett felt blinded, dumbfounded, but…exhilarated.

Each day she felt stronger, better, happier. Each day she felt the woman who wanted to kill herself slipping away. Each day it got a little easier to stuff the voice that said, "You're making a mistake" in a box, and live.

But when you've based your life around something, who do you become when it's gone?

After Beckett stripped away her mother's case, her father's alcoholism, her job, all the death she'd seen, and all her issues and inhibitions – after every layer of the proverbial Beckett onion had been peeled away – she wasn't sure what she was left with. She wasn't sure what to call this self that she had been hiding at her core.

She wasn't sure she would ever know…but she knew what that self liked. It liked sitting in comfortable silence in Castle's kitchen in the Hamptons on a clear Saturday morning in July. It liked listening to the soft harmony of seagulls calling, the sound of the ocean, and Castle whistling as she sipped her coffee. It liked being cooked breakfast by the man she loved.

It liked the unbearable lightness bubbling up inside her, fighting away the dark.

Could she stay like this? Could this be what life was supposed to be like? Enjoying the bright, and not feeling guilty about it? Being surrounded by people you love, because they love you too? It sounded like a fantasy. But she liked it.

"So," Castle began, sitting a plate in front of her and leaning on the other side of the countertop. "What do you want to do today?"

Beckett thought for a moment. They could do anything. They had all the time in the world. "I don't know," she said after a moment. "What is there to do?"

Castle grinned. "Oh, I was so hoping you'd ask," he said, whipping out his phone. "I just bought this new app that has a calendar of things to do on a weekend in the Hamptons. Let's see here…Saturday, July 23rd, 2011..." he flicked his finger over the screen of his iPhone. "We could adopt a pony, we could do Bhakti yoga," he made a face. "We could attend 'an evening of literary delectables to benefit the Pushcart Prize Fellowships'…I wonder if Naked Heat is in that…"

"You consider Nikki Heat as literature?" Beckett raised an eyebrow.

Castle blinked a few times. "Well, yes…"

Beckett laughed. "Hate to break it to you, but your books are not 'literature'," she hooked air quotes around the word. "Much less literature worth performing."

Castle put a hand to his heart, and did his best to look serious. "You wound me."

Beckett smiled, rolled her eyes, and shook her head. "Any serious offers?"

"There's a Hamptons Polo After Party," he informed her, waggling an eyebrow.

"I don't think so," Beckett said, amusement obvious in her voice.

"We could eat breakfast with the Princess. Look, its even happening at the Castle at Westhampton. It's like fate."

Beckett fixed him with a look.

"Alexis would have said yes, that's all I'm saying," he mumbled, going back to his phone. "As far as serious offers go, it looks like there are several art galleries having showings tonight, there's a ballroom dance class, and there's a wine tasting at the Montauk lighthouse."

"Hmm…" Beckett thought for a moment. "That last one might be fun."

"Your wish is my command, milady," Castle said, slipping his phone back into his pocket. He paused. "But wait, you probably only packed really casual stuff, right?"

Beckett shrugged. "Yeah, so?"

"So…do you have anything wine tasting-y?" Castle asked.

Beckett shook her head. "I know where you're going with this, Rick. You're not buying me anything."

He held up his hands. "I'm just saying, if you needed something to wear, I would be more than happy to get you something. We both know I know what looks good on you…"

She had to give him that. She _had_ loved that red dress. "But this is different. I think you'd be surprised at what I can come up with with what's in my bag."

"Fine, fine," Castle grabbed his plate and sat down next to her. He took a bite, and then said, "Although, if we're going to be together, you had better get used to that."

"Used to you buying me clothing?" Beckett raised an eyebrow.

"Well, yes, but not just that," Castle explained. "I fully intend to pamper you."

Beckett shook her head and took a bite of her breakfast as well. But for the first time in her adult life, being pampered didn't sound so bad.

* * *

><p>Castle was in awe.<p>

Attending the wine tasting with Beckett was – to put it lightly – nothing like he had expecting. He had anticipated the return of the beautiful, but terribly awkward, out of place, and almost shy girl that had accompanied him three years ago to the MADT gala. But now…

Beckett had somehow been able to come up with an outfit that was not only suitable for a wine tasting, but very Hamptons-esque as well. Instead of standing off to the side and looking like she wanted to be anywhere else, she moved easily between people, making new friends and meeting people he knew from spending summers there, a glass of wine resting lightly in her hand. She mingled; laughed at all the right times, said every right thing, and disarmed everyone she spoke to with her perfect smile.

She was a pro.

In fact, if he hadn't known better, he would have said that she had spent every summer of her upbringing amongst the amalgam of hydrangeas and BMW's that was the Hamptons. He knew full well that that wasn't the case. However…

"You're too good at this," he told her as they stood off to the side.

Beckett looked at him. "Excuse me?"

"You're too good at this, you have definitely done this before," Castle told her, a million questions on his face.

Beckett laughed. "I attended a few benefits with my mom," she told him, a small smile on her face. "Lawyers just love them. My mom told me it makes them look more humanitarian." She took a sip, and surveyed the crowd.

Castle was about to say something when a confused voice interrupted him.

"Beckett?"

The duo turned to find Ryan standing hand-in-hand with Jenny, looking perplexed.

"Ryan, hey," Beckett greeted a wide smile growing across her face. "What are you doing here?"

"Ah, Jenny's family has a vineyard, and they pitch their wine here every summer," he informed them.

Jenny nodded beside him to confirm.

Ryan's eyebrows furrowed deeper in confusion. "Although, I suppose I could ask you two the same thing."

Castle and Beckett exchanged a glance. How were they to explain?

"We just…needed to get out of Manhattan for a while," Beckett told him. "It can be hard to do anything with a clear head in that city," she added in a softer voice.

Ryan nodded, sympathy on his face. "It's a crazy place, that's for sure."

Castle glanced at Beckett, and then directed his attention toward Jenny. "You know, you should introduce me to your folks, I've been out here quite a few times, so I might just know them."

Jenny smiled. "Yeah, sure. Kevin, I'll be right back, okay?"

Ryan smiled at her. "Of course, baby, take your time," he said, giving her a kiss on the cheek.

They watched Castle and Jenny make their way across the grass to a small booth with purple balloons. They stood in silence for a moment, causally sipping the sample in their respective glasses.

"So…how's your summer been?" Beckett asked after a minute.

"It's been good," Ryan nodded. "Busy. It's like everybody from the Upper West Side down to Chelsea went nuts when it got hot."

Now it was Beckett's turn to furrow her eyebrows. "Why are you working calls in Chelsea?"

"Midtown went especially crazy," Ryan said with what was almost a grimace. "It's on our side, so they send us down there from time to time." He shrugged.

Beckett nodded. There had been one summer before that she had worked similar to what he was describing. It was, essentially, torture. "How's Espo?"

"He's good," Ryan nodded quickly. "Still with Lanie. Not so happy about not being able to take his vacation days right now. I have to drive back early tomorrow morning to be back in time for my shift."

"Summers are always the worst," Beckett said knowingly.

"Yeah," Ryan laughed without humor. "Tell me about it."

They lapsed into another moment of silence.

"You know, it's funny, usually you spend your summers without Castle and with us. I'm not used to it being the other way around," Ryan said lightly.

Beckett frowned. He was right. She had been neglecting them this summer.

Ryan took in the expression on her face, and opened and closed his mouth a few times. "Not, not that that's a bad thing! I just mean, well, you know, you're with him, and not us. I'm sorry, I say stupid things when Javi isn't around to slap me to shut me up."

Beckett laughed and shook her head. "It's okay, Ryan, don't beat yourself up. I'm just thinking."

"About?"

"How I probably should have checked in with you guys," Beckett said sheepishly.

Ryan smiled slightly. "Well, you know, we wouldn't have minded a phone call."

Beckett nodded slowly and fidgeted with the stem of her glass. "It's just…after the shooting I didn't even want to think about the twelfth. I didn't want you guys to pity me, or think you had to take care of me." She shrugged. "Sorry."

"We figured," Ryan said kindly. "Still, didn't stop us from worrying. Even when we called Castle he didn't tell us anything…"

She looked at him. "You called Castle?"

"Yeah," Ryan said. "He just said something about it being your business, that you were safe, and that you would call when you were ready."

Beckett couldn't help but smile. "He was trying to help."

"Which, once again, is why we didn't go out of our way. We figured you guys were…handling it," Ryan told her. "We were pretty worried though."

"Things got bad," Beckett admitted. "But they're getting better."

Ryan smiled at her. "I'm really glad to hear that."

Beckett lifted her glass to her lips. "By the way, you won that bet that you and Espo made last summer," she said, and then took a sip.

Ryan's brows re-furrowed. "What bet?"

Beckett shrugged casually. Looked out toward the ocean.

Ryan racked his brains. They had only had one unresolved bet from the previous summer. But she couldn't mean…could she? "You mean you…?"

Beckett tried to hide her smile behind another sip.

"You guys are together?" Ryan asked incredulously.

Beckett nodded. "Yeah, we are."

Ryan grinned. "Well, I'm happy you guys finally figured it out and all, but I'm even happier that I get an extra hundred bucks this week!"

Beckett laughed. "I thought you might be."

"So, ah…speaking of work…when are you coming back?"

His question hung in the air, and hit Beckett like a ton of bricks. She bit her lip. _Was_ she even coming back? "I…I don't know, Ry…"

"I'm not trying to rush you back before you're ready," Ryan said quickly. "It's just, well, we could definitely use you back. Karpowski's back as a temp from working robbery-homicide at the eighty-eight, but…" he paused. "Well, she's no you, you know?"

Beckett smiled. Her team still needed her.

"And, we…" he kicked at the ground. "You know. We miss you."

"I miss you guys too," Beckett said. "I just don't know for sure when I'll be back yet."

"Take all the time you need," Ryan said. "We can wait."

Beckett shoulder-bumped Ryan gently, and they directed their attention back to the small table in time to see Jenny's mother giving Castle an overly friendly hug.

* * *

><p>On the way back to the beach house, Beckett was silent, lost in her own head.<p>

Castle glanced at her from time to time, resisting the urge to say something. After twenty minutes or so, however, he couldn't take it any more. He pulled off of Route 27, and began the short detour towards Napeague Beach.

"Rick, where are we going?" Beckett asked as the cruised down Dolphin Drive.

But by the time the question had left her lips they were already parked. He looked at her and said, "Let's take a walk."

"You do realize there's a beach at your house, don't you?"

He shrugged. "I like this one too."

Beckett thought for a moment, shook her head, and got out of the car. She would never figure out the way his mind worked. She met him at the front of the car, and they started down sand, the setting sun casting brilliant shades of orange, gold, and red on the beach.

Castle reached out and took her hand, looking out at the ocean.

They walked for a while in silence, thinking their respective thoughts, happy to simply be with the other and enjoy the sunset.

But Castle had an agenda.

"So, that was something running into Ryan, huh?" he asked at long last.

"Yeah," Beckett agreed. "Small world."

"Bet it was nice to see him though," Castle said.

"Yeah, yeah," Beckett said again, nodding. "It was. It just got me thinking, that's all."

_Bingo._ "Oh? About what?"

Beckett took a deep breath, and then sighed. "I'm going to have to go back to work at some point…"

Castle hesitated. "Well, not necessarily…"

Beckett looked at him, one eyebrow up, a question written plainly on her face.

"If you…" Castle paused, choosing his words. "If you didn't want to go back to being a Detective, you don't have to. I meant what I said earlier about pampering you, and I easily have enough money from my books to more than support us for the rest of our lives. You don't have to do anything you don't want to ever again. You could quit tomorrow, if you wanted."

Beckett bit her lip in thought. Dear God, he was great. "That's really sweet of you, Rick," she said. "But…I have to. It's something I love, Mom's case or no."

Castle nodded. He had had a feeling this conversation would go like that. "So, what are you thinking, then?"

She thought for a moment. "I need to go back soon," she whispered.

"Okay," Castle said slowly. "Just remember, you're not on anyone's schedule but your own."

Beckett laughed lightly. "I bet the NYPD would beg to differ."

Castle stopped them, and looked at her seriously. "Kate, you need to make sure you're healthy before you go back."

Beckett nodded once. "I will, don't worry. I'll talk to my therapist about it, finish up my EMDR, and then…"

"And then?"

"And then I'll go back. I just need a week," Beckett smiled, resolve in her eyes. "August 1st, I'm going back."

* * *

><p><strong>Review!<strong>


	26. Safe and Sound

**Okay, so, my sister came in from Germany (Air Force), and I was otherwise preoccupied with spending time with her, her hubby, and my adorable two-year-old nephew, all of whom I haven't seen since February of last year. Regular updates will resume.**

**_Disclaimer: I do not own Castle, ABC, or any of it's affiliates._**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

><p>Night 51: Beckett sat at her desk, filling out paperwork. The sun streamed in to her right, illuminating the white paper. She clicked the top of her pen, put it down, and then filed the paper into her outbox. It felt good to be back there after so long. She had forgotten little things like how comfortable her chair was, and how comforting it was to look up and see Esposito and Ryan working away.<p>

She was home.

"Beckett."

Beckett turned around to see who was speaking, and found herself staring at a man with two bloody holes in his chest, and a trail of blood trickling from the left side of his mouth. She felt the smile slip off of her face. "Captain?" she whispered.

"What are you doing here, Kate?" he asked, eyes fixed onto hers.

Beckett felt her breathing grow shallow. "Sir?" she managed to get out.

"You don't belong here any more," Montgomery told her. "You don't deserve to wear that badge."

Beckett's head swam, and she felt dizzy. "Yes, I do," she croaked, her mouth and throat bone dry. "I'm a cop."

"Apparently not a very good one," Montgomery said, spreading his arms. "Judging by how I turned out."

Beckett shook her head. "No, no, sir, I tried, I tried to save you, I couldn't, you didn't _let_ me."

Suddenly, she found herself in back in the hangar, Montgomery still standing across from her. "I didn't let you?" he asked tauntingly. "And why is that?"

"Cas…Castle, he carried me out. You told him to take me, and he did," Beckett whispered.

Montgomery walked slowly along the path that Castle had taken when he carried her out. "You cried."

Beckett tried to swallow, found she couldn't, and then nodded.

"You didn't really try and fight," Montgomery said, casually kicking a crate. "You're trained to take people down."

"He's strong," Beckett whispered.

"I've seen you take down bigger," Montgomery said cruelly. "You could have fought him off if you wanted to."

"Captain…" Beckett shook her head, her eyes filling with tears.

"It's your fault I'm dead," Montgomery said angrily, walking towards her. "It's your fault my family's torn apart just like yours was. Esposito and Ryan blame you too. Hell, so does Castle."

"No," Beckett shook her head more fiercely. "No, they don't, they were just as worried about me as they were you, we didn't blame each other, and we didn't tell anyone."

"How would you know?" Montgomery asked, stopping less than a foot in front of her. "You've been gone for over two months. You don't think that's given them plenty of time to think about what happened? Look at my empty office and wonder about what really happened that night? You and Castle were the only ones with me. Everyone else is dead. Lord knows Castle would do anything to protect you…" he shrugged.

"They…do not…think that," Beckett said, trying to control her tone.

"How would you know?" Montgomery repeated. "You've been gone. You killed me, and then you hid."

"That's not what happened."

"Your word against…who's? How many times have I told you to bring me evidence?"

"That's not fair, Captain, please, please…"

"You think your pathetic 'I forgive you' will save you now? You think it counts now? It doesn't count worth a damn. You may forgive me…but who's going to forgive you?"

Beckett was silent for what felt like an eternity. "I miss you, Captain."

"Yeah?" Montgomery stepped closer still. "So do my wife and kids. So does the Mayor. So do Esposito, and Ryan, and everyone at the twelfth. So does Castle. So do a lot of people in the NYPD. You think your special? You're not. It's all your fault, Kate. This is all your fault."

"No!" Beckett shrieked, sitting bolt upright in bed. She frantically took in the room she was in. Castle's bedroom. Castle's bed. She took in long gulps of air, and put her hands to her face, and then wound her arms protectively around her legs, only to find she was soaked in a cold sweat.

"Kate?"

She jumped and looked in the direction of the voice.

Castle was sitting halfway up, looking at her with great concern on his face. "Did you have another nightmare?"

Beckett nodded weakly.

"Here, let me get you a glass of water," he began to get out of bed.

"I can do it," she whispered, waving him away. She laid a trembling hand down on the bed, and carefully stood up.

"At least let me come with you," Castle said, rushing around to the other side of the bed, and gently taking her hand. It felt so frail.

They walked slowly down the hallway and into the kitchen. He matched her pace. They made their way to the sink, and he got her a glass down from the cabinet.

Beckett took it with a shaking hand, and filled it with water. She used both hands to bring the cup to her face, first sipping it, and then as the cool water hit her parched mouth, drank from it greedily.

She drained the glass, and then refilled it. She swayed slightly and sipped at it this time around.

Castle began to reach out to her, and then stopped. "Kate?" he asked softly.

Beckett looked at him.

"I'm going to touch you, okay?"

She nodded.

Castle reached his hand the rest of the way out, and began to rub small circles on her back. "It's okay, you're safe."

A long silence stretched out, filled only by the soft rustling of Beckett's t-shirt and the sound of her sipping.

"I went back to work," Beckett said finally. "And Montgomery showed up. Bleeding. All of his wounds just…there. He told me it was my fault. That I didn't deserve to be a cop any more, that everyone blamed me, and that I could have saved him if I wanted to."

"Oh, Kate," Castle touched her arm. "You know none of those things are true."

"He had a point, Rick," Beckett said, not making eye contact.

"No, he didn't. And you know if Montgomery was here, he'd tell you your dream version of him was dead wrong," Castle blinked a few times. "No pun intended."

The corners of Beckett's mouth twitched upward.

"But you're definitely trying not to smile, so pun heavily intended," Castle smiled gently at her.

A similar one appeared on Beckett's lips, but her eyes still showed her sadness.

"Those are all lies," Castle said, taking a step closer. "You couldn't have saved him, Kate," he whispered, brushing damp hair back off of her face. "And no one blames you. Trust me. Do we miss him? Yes. But _no one blames you._ And you're a fantastic cop. The best I've ever seen. Don't let this change that."

Beckett nodded slowly. "What if…I go back, and they don't want me there any more?"

Castle shook his head. "Did you not hear Ryan telling you they missed you, and asking you to come back? They still love you, I still love you, and I'm more than certain everyone else in that precinct still loves telling you they missed you, and asking you to come back? They still love you, I still love you, and I'm more than certain everyone else in that precinct still loves you."

Beckett stared at him for a while, and then nodded once. "I just…think I'll call Greene tomorrow. I'm not as sure I'm ready to go back as I was when I saw him earlier."

"I think that's a good idea," Castle said gently, and then pulled her into a hug. "You're going to be okay."

"Okay," she said softly.

"Do you want to go back to bed?"

Beckett shook her head and tugged nervously at her pajama shorts. She hated admitting she was afraid.

"Well, then let's watch a movie or something. Come on," he took her hand again, and walked with her into living room.

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><p><strong>Review!<strong>


	27. Breathe

**This should have been uploaded a couple of days ago – sorry! How excited is everyone for "Always"? May I just say that she's in a graveyard in the promo? Sound familiar? Just saying. (: **

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Castle, ABC, or any of their affiliates. **_

**Enjoy! **

Day 52: Beckett sat on the now familiar little blue couch in Dr. Greene's office, nervously biting her lip, and avoiding eye contact.

It never got any easier for her, starting out the therapy session. In the beginning, it had been a matter of where to even start, and then making the words come, and now just how to word it.

True to character, Dr. Greene sat patiently, reading his book.

It occurred to Beckett that Dr. Greene was really a very nice person. After all, it had been her that had called him to see if he could spare a Friday slot for something that just couldn't wait until Monday, and now it was her who was taking her sweet time getting there.

"I had another nightmare last night," Beckett informed him. Why did that always sound so juvenile? Why did every issue that came out of her mouth sound like something she should be able to deal with on her own? Why did it seem like she was running for comfort, like a frightened child?

To his credit, Dr. Greene didn't say anything close to echo her thoughts. He simply placed his bookmark in his book, put it on the table, and then turned his face – which seemed filled with genuine concern – to her. "I thought those had stopped?"

"They had," Beckett nodded, glancing down at her hands, and then rubbing them on her thighs. "And then this one just came out of nowhere."

"What was it about?" Dr. Greene asked.

"I went back to work…and everything was fine, you know? I was just sitting at my desk, doing paperwork. I was happy, and then…there was this voice. So I turned around, and Captain Montgomery was there," Beckett's gaze returned to her hands. "And he had all his wounds, and he was telling me all about how I didn't deserve to be a cop any more. Then we were back in the hangar, and he started lecturing me on how it was all my fault, and how no one wanted me back."

Dr. Greene didn't say anything at first, but simply looked at her, thinking.

It made Beckett shift uncomfortably in her seat. He never analyzed her like that.

After a long while, Dr. Greene asked, "When was the last time a thought about your mom made you sad?"

Beckett blinked a few time. "I…I don't know. I guess a day after I went to visit her, maybe? It's been a little while."

"And the last time you had a flashback?"

"Um…early July, maybe?"

"So, the EMDR is working?"

"Yeah?"

"You don't sound so sure."

"Yes. It is. Where is this going?"

"And you're in a relationship with Castle now, so you've gotten over that boulder."

"I…yeah."

"And you know your team wants you back."

"Well, yes." Beckett was getting a bit impatient.

"So, what's holding you back?"

Beckett blinked at her therapist incredulously. "Are you kidding me? Everything he said!"

"Everything that who said?" Dr. Greene asked innocently.

Beckett's eyes were the size of golf balls. Usually he understood so well. "Montgomery!"

"Montgomery didn't say any of that."

Beckett threw up her hands, exasperated. Maybe his brain shut off on Friday.

"_You_ said that."

Beckett's eyebrows floated into her forehead.

"That wasn't Montgomery," Dr. Greene explained softly. "Montgomery is dead, Kate."

Beckett blinked a few more times. That was the first time Dr. Greene had addressed her by her first name instead of "Detective".

"He's dead," he repeated. "And you know as well as I that if he weren't, he wouldn't be saying such things. That was all you, your subconscious."

Beckett nodded slowly, his words sinking in.

"So, what's holding you back?" Dr. Greene repeated.

"I'm the bad guy," Beckett whispered. "_I _say so."

"Why?"

"Huh?"

"Why? What makes you the bad guy?" Dr. Greene asked.

"It was _my_ mother's case that's gotten everyone killed or hurt. _I'm_ the one who chased it. _I'm _the one who led everyone into this mess," Beckett explained. "It's all me."

"Let me ask you something," Dr. Greene leaned forward, forearms on his knees. "Did you know about the case your mother was working on that you feel got her killed?"

"Well, bits and pieces."

"But not the whole thing?" Dr. Greene pressed.

"No," Beckett answered carefully. No one had ever asked her this before. "I didn't. She usually kept her work away from her family. She said the two didn't mix."

"So, how on earth could you have been expected to stop it?"

Beckett opened her mouth to reply, but no sound came out. She quickly closed her mouth. She didn't have an answer.

"What you have to realize, is that your mother's murder had absolutely nothing to do with you," Dr. Greene informed her.

Beckett's eyes narrowed into slit. "How _dare_ you – "

"Ah," Dr. Greene put his hand out to cut her off. "I never said it didn't affect you, now did I?"

Once again, Beckett had no response. She hated it when he said things she couldn't counter.

"Your mother's death affected you, yes. That much is apparent to anyone who even lays eyes upon you. But it had nothing to do with you. It never has, and it never will. So, I'll ask you this next: what's the point in blaming yourself for something that had nothing to do with you?" Dr. Greene waited, and then took her silence as a sign to continue. "You were what, nineteen at the time? You were too young. And let's say that you were there that night? What did you know of taking down criminals and saving lives at that point in time? What would you have done? I feel I know your personality well enough by now to say that you would have ran blindly into the fire, and that would have turned into a double homicide. You're blaming yourself for something that had nothing to do with you, was out of your control, and couldn't have stopped. Now, explain to me how that makes you the bad guy." He sat back in his chair.

Beckett didn't talk for a long time, but simply sat there, attempting to absorb his words. He was right, of course. He possessed something vital that she lacked – perspective. She was blinded. By what, though? "Grief," she said after a while, voice rough and raw. "That's what makes it my fault."

Dr. Greene smiled his soft smile that always touched his eyes. "And how much sense does that make?" he asked gently.

"…None," she croaked.

"Exactly," Dr. Greene almost whispered. "You aren't the bad guy."

Beckett nodded.

"I want you to say it."

Beckett swallowed hard and closed her eyes. "I'm not the bad guy."

"Louder."

"I'm not the bad guy," her eyes were still closed, but her voice solidified.

"Louder."

"I'm not the bad guy," her eyes opened.

"Again."

"I'm not the bad guy," her volume rose slightly.

"One more, like you mean it."

Beckett locked eyes with him. "I'm not the bad guy," she said, her voice full and solid. "I'm not," she swallowed again, and shook her head, looking slightly dizzy. "I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, oh God, oh God, I'm not," she whispered quickly to herself, the words tripping off of her tongue.

"You're not," Dr. Greene agreed easily.

Beckett forced herself to take deep breaths. If she felt light after visiting her mother's grave, and even lighter than that after getting together with Castle, this felt like flying. She pressed her lips together and shook her head, unsure if she wanted to laugh or cry.

So, she did both.

"I'm sorry," she chuckled, palming tears off of her cheeks. "This must make me look so crazy doesn't it?" She laughed some more.

"No," Dr. Greene said, his smile bigger than she'd ever seen it. "It makes you look like you're finally getting to a good place."

"Maybe I am," she said slowly.

"So, you're in a healthy relationship, you're treatment is going successfully, your team misses having you around, you've finally let go, you have plenty of friends and family, and you're not the bad guy," Dr. Greene said. "So, what's holding you back?"

"Nothing," Beckett said, and then paused. "Nothing is holding me back."

"Then congratulations, Detective. I think it's safe for us to try a trial period back at work."

**Review!**


	28. Move Along

**Okay, so, "Always" killed me. I'm dead you guys. Writing this from the grave. Here's some light, starting-to-wrap-up-the-story Beckett goes back to work stuff. You guys are great.**

**_Disclaimer: I do not own Castle, ABC, or any of it's affiliates._**

**Enjoy!**

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><p>Day 55: Beckett's first day back at work was (blessedly) nothing like the one that took place in her dream.<p>

Her return to the precinct was marked by a strange mix of responses. Some looked at her gently, regarding her as they would a wounded baby bird; some gave her a friendly greeting and a warm smile, happy that she was doing well; and still others – her personal favorites – gave her a good ribbing for spending so much time away. The one thing that seemed to be the consensus was that everyone was glad she was back at work.

With a smile on her face, Beckett pressed the elevator button for homicide's floor, and then stood back against the wall in the empty car. She took in the red walls and the shield on the back of the space. It seemed to her that she even missed this. A career of memories flooded out at her as the elevator climbed upward: carrying a small cardboard box containing all the desk supplies she had to her name when she first got the promotion, hurrying into it and itching for it to move faster so that no one saw her upset when she was in her early years on the squad and every case reminded her of her mother, boarding it to go out for drinks with Esposito and Ryan when she realized her new team could be her friends too, almost falling asleep in it after a very long day, whipping out a bouquet of paper flowers much to Castle's delight…

The doors opened, pulling Beckett out of her thoughts. She paused – just for a moment, taking in the familiar hallway in front of her – and then set off in the direction of the bullpen.

The place looked exactly like she left it. There were no banners or streamers to herald her return, but she hadn't been expecting any. The only things out of place were a fresh muffin and a cup of coffee waiting for her at her desk.

Beckett walked over to her desk and took a seat, smiling at the small tokens of her team's affection. She took a sip of the coffee and sighed. Yeah, it was good to be back.

After a moment of playing it cool, Ryan and Esposito got up and wandered over to her desk.

"Well, well, well, look who finally decided to show up for work," Ryan said, his hands in his pockets.

"Yeah, after her two-and-a-half month vacation," Esposito commented while Ryan shook his head. "You know, I'd like to take summer's off too. Why don't I get to do that?"

"You're not pretty enough," Ryan informed him.

"Get out of here, bro," Esposito muttered, faking a swing at him.

Ryan dodged it, took a step back, and grinned. "The truth hurts, Javi."

"Yeah, truth," Esposito scoffed. "More like I don't have a bestselling boyfriend to take care of me. I gotta work for my food."

"Oh, I don't know, Espo, Castle has talked about writing books about you before. I'm sure he would be flattered," Beckett quipped, biting back a grin.

"Hmm…" Esposito pretended to think for a minute. "I don't know, Ryan, you think I could pull off eight inch heels?"

"More like twelve," Ryan responded. "And the real question is, can you run in them?"

Beckett let out a loud laugh, and the boys grinned.

They lapsed into an easy silence, just standing around enjoying the beginning of the return to normalcy. Beckett eyed the Captain's office. Through the glass walls she saw an African American woman in a bright red suit seated at what was previously Montgomery's desk. It seemed inherently wrong to her that another should fill that desk now, but she supposed that – like everything else that she had been through up to this point – she would adjust. You could get used to anything, given enough time.

The duo followed her eyes and watched the woman as well. "Captain Victoria Gates," Ryan informed her without her having to ask. "A.K.A, 'Iron Gates'. "

"As fitting name as any," Esposito muttered.

Beckett raised an eyebrow, issuing a silent question.

"She's ah…" Ryan grimaced, searching for the words. "She's a bit of a…"

"A total hard-ass," Esposito finished, all amusement gone from his face.

"She's no Montgomery," Ryan said diplomatically.

Beckett nodded slowly, processing, her eyes never leaving the woman. "Good," she said finally.

Both men's heads snapped to look at her. "What?" Esposito asked.

"Good," Beckett repeated, watching the older woman take her glass off of her face and rub the bridge of her nose. "I'm glad she's no Montgomery. Montgomery was Montgomery, we don't need a new one."

Esposito and Ryan exchanged a glance, and then nodded.

"She'll probably want to talk to you at some point," Ryan said as Esposito went to go answer his ringing desk phone. "What with you being the team leader she's never met, and all."

"Have to wait," Esposito called out, hanging up the phone and tearing off a sheet of paper. "Body dropped on the 79th Street Transverse. Let's go."

Beckett smiled at how he had obviously gotten used to being the leader, and began to gather her things.

"Oh, and Beckett?"

She looked up. "Yeah?" She got up and began to head towards the door.

"We're really glad you're back," Esposito told her with a smile.

"Me too," she smiled at him. "Now, let's go."

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><p>Beckett paused at the tape surrounding the scene, taking a moment, as was her custom. Castle had gotten it right in <em>Heat Wave<em> when he wrote that she always took a moment before entering the scene. Just the length of a slow deep breath. That's all it took for her to remember the one thing she would never forget. Another body waited. She drew the breath…

But this time, she didn't feel the raw edges of the hole that had been blown in her life. For the first time, all of Beckett's attention was focused on the victim. Her thoughts didn't drift to her mother until she realized that that was not where her attention was. She didn't feel the hole.

She blinked a few times, smiled softly to herself, and ducked under the tape.

Esposito spotted her and waved her over. "Oh, you're gonna like this one," he called out.

"Oh really?" she asked making her way over to him. "And why is that?"

"Well, let's just say that this one is definitely Beckett-flavored."

Beckett smiled and followed Esposito up onto the rock wall on the left side of the street, and through a bit of overgrown plants and trees. Briefly, she considered calling Castle. If this was a weird one – and it was looking like it would be – he would want to be in on it. However, she stopped herself. He probably needed some time to himself, and she could bring him in on it tomorrow.

They had all the time in the world.

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><p><strong>Review!<strong>


	29. Tomorrow Will Be Kinder

**Thank you all. So, so, so, so much. For reviewing, and alerting, and waiting, and reading this story right up until the very end. I can't tell you how much it has meant to me. You all are so awesome. **

_**Disclaimer: I do not own ABC, Castle, or any of their affiliates.**_

**And now, enjoy the last chapter of "Grief".**

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><p>Day 58: Beckett returned home from work, thoroughly exhausted.<p>

She shut the door heavily behind her and let out a long sigh. She paused there for a moment, collecting herself before she proceeded to come the rest of the way into the loft.

Weird hadn't even begun to describe what the case had been like. In fact, she wasn't even so sure she would call it weird. She might have used nasty, tragic, and brutal before weird. In Esposito's defense, he had told her that back when they thought they only had one victim. He had said that quite some time before the second victim, actually…

No, no. Beckett shook her head to clear her thoughts. She didn't want to think about the second victim. The case was closed. She didn't want to think about how little he was, or about how cruel his death had been…

The kids were always the worst. That much would be true forever. It never got easier. And this particular one…well…it was the worst she had seen yet. So bad that Castle had to excuse himself halfway through the second day of the investigation to go get Alexis from a friend's house and spend the day with her. She didn't blame him. Her mind had strayed to Alexis too.

By later that day, Beckett had been glad Castle left. The case only got worse from there. The only thing she could say that was good about it was that it felt damn good to snap cuffs on the sick bastard behind the double homicide.

The thing about closing a case though, is that it takes quite a while for the images to leave your mind.

"Kate? That you?" Castle called from the kitchen, snapping her out of her memory.

"Yeah, it's me," Beckett called back, setting her workbag down by the coat rack and making her way into the kitchen. "Smells good in here."

"It should," Castle said, sprinkling spices into a pot of some sauce on the stove. "I've been slaving away over the stove, just waiting for you to come home," he smiled and shot her a wink.

Beckett chuckled as much as she could, and smiled in spite of everything.

"That doesn't look like a happy face," Castle pointed out. "I thought you closed the case, isn't that a good thing?"

"It is…" Beckett said slowly, taking a seat on a bar stool. "It's nothing, really."

Castle abruptly stopped cooking, and shot her a skeptical, oh-come-on look.

"Okay, point taken," Beckett conceded, the corners of her mouth twitching upward again. She shook her head, "It was just hard having to see that poor kid like that. That son of a bitch deserves so much worse than he's gonna get."

Castle frowned and thought for a moment before tapping the excess sauce off of the spoon he was stirring it with, setting it down on the spoon rest, and coming around the island to wrap her in a hug.

Beckett gladly wound her arms around his torso, rested her head on his shoulder, and closed her eyes.

Castle rubbed her back gently. "I'm sorry you had to see all that, Kate."

"S'okay," She replied, halfway muffled by his shirt. "It comes with the job."

"Doesn't make it any easier."

Beckett let out a short, humorless laugh. "Yeah, you can say that again."

"Doesn't make it any easier."

Beckett smiled and slapped his chest lightly. "Hush, you."

Castle stepped back and kissed her cheek. "You'll be okay, though."

Beckett nodded and sighed. "I know I will. It just takes a while for the images to fade, that's all."

Castle nodded. He understood. He had been there too.

"Anyway, did you spend today with Alexis too?" Beckett asked, raking a hand through her hair, trying to change the subject to something lighter.

"Um, yeah, actually, we did," Castle's face lit up, and he leaned against the counter. "We went out to Ellis island and the Statue of Liberty."

She had to grin at that. "How tourist-y of you."

"I know, right?" his smile matched her. "We hadn't done that since she was about nine."

"I'm glad you guys had fun," Beckett said.

"Yeah, me too," Castle agreed, and then walked back around to resume cooking.

"Speaking of Alexis, where is she?"

"Upstairs, talking to one of her friends. Mother's around here somewhere too. I thought, you know, tough case, maybe it would be nice to have a family dinner?" Castle watched her expression anxiously.

"Yeah, that does sound nice," Beckett told him genuinely. In fact, she couldn't think of any way she would rather spend the night. "Maybe we could even have a movie night, if everyone's going to be here."

Castle's smile grew into a grin once more. "That's a great idea. I'm sure everyone would like that."

Beckett nodded, smiled, and leaned against the counter, contenting herself to watching him cook.

A comfortable silence stretched between the duo until Castle said, "Oh, that reminds me."

Beckett directed her attention back to him, eyebrows raised.

"Now that you're back at work, and it looks like things are…calmer…" he paused, searching for the right words. "I was just wondering if…I mean, I suppose I just wanted to know…do you think maybe…"

"Full sentences, Cas," Beckett said with a smirk.

"Do you want to move in here permanently?"

Beckett blinked a few times, a bit shocked at the question. "What?"

Castle shrugged. "I mean, you've been living here for a couple of months now, and all your things are here, and everyone loves having you here, and…you're already comfortable here…I just figure…why even leave?"

Beckett smiled yet again. "That's true."

"So…will you? I guess I don't have to have an answer tonight, as long as you'll think about it. And I mean really think about it, don't just assume that you're independent, because you've been shot and blown up, and a whole other manner of things, so my place just might be safer a-"

"I'll stay, Rick," Beckett cut him off.

He stopped. "You will?"

"Yes," Beckett laughed lightly. "I will. If only to make you stop rambling."

Castle grinned at her. "Perfect."

An easy smile stayed tacked to Beckett's face. It was perfect. Or, as close as it could ever get. She could easily part with her lonely apartment if it meant being able to live with three people she loved. Three people who she got to have dinners and movie nights with after tough days. Three people who would make her happy to come home. Not just come back to the loft, come _home._ Three people who had helped her through her darkest days, loved her all the while, and never left her side. Three people who would continuously assure her that if today was tough…

Tomorrow would be kinder.

And it would be.

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><p><strong>One last review?<strong>


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